Bittersweet

I've struggled with an overwhelming melancholy lately.  Sharp joyous moments sinking in a sea of emptiness.  My expectations, my dreams, my life as I planned-- dashed.  Disbelief, sadness, loss-- ever present.  I don't like the pain, but who really does?

Tomorrow I get to meet an author who I have grown to love over the last couple months.  Shauna Niequist's book Bittersweet has been a poignant reminder through some very "bittersweet" moments in my life recently, and I'm grateful that someone wrote down their thoughts during this journey.  Some stories are like flashlights in front of my path.  Others just remind me that I'm not alone.  And sometimes that's all I need.

Here is a section from the chapter Phoenix that struck me tonight:

"I used to think that the growth we experience through pain, physical or not, was a consolation prize... I thought that what we really want are easy lives, and if we can't have those, then we can at least become deep, grounded people who grow through heartbreak.

Everyone I know gets their heart broken sometimes, by something.  The question is not, will my life be easy or will my heart break?  But rather, when my heart breaks, will I choose to grow?

Sometimes in the moments of the most searing pain, we think we don't have a choice.  But we do.  It's in those moments that we make the most important choice: grow or give up.  It's easy to want to give up under the weight of what we're carrying.  It seems sometimes like the only possible choice.  But there's always, always, always another choice, and transformation is waiting for us just beyond that choice."

Shauna also explains how a good friend once told her that God uses particular situations in life to help us grow in certain areas.  Curious why you seem to deal with the same issue time and time again?  Wondering why you can't seem to get away from a certain kind of person?  Perhaps it's just a pinprick reminder that work is still needed.  Perhaps.

So tonight I ask myself.  Where am I?  And where can growth begin?  I've got to start somewhere.