So tired

I'm tired.

And not just in the physical sense.  I'm emotionally, mentally, and spiritually drained as well.  I haven't quite figured out the "re-fill" process, and consequently I seem to move through life in somewhat of a fog.  Fingers gripping the edge so tightly that they're turning white, but still slipping off regardless.  And I'm incredibly afraid of falling.  Failing.  Forgetting.

So I schedule some more.  My world is nothing without an electronic account of all that I do throughout the days.  I would quite literally be lost without my day planner.  I can't remember things on my own.  I don't trust myself to anymore.

I wonder when I'll feel like I'm actually standing steady.  Not clinging to whatever I can find, lest I topple over. 

And then I go out looking to prove my worst assumption.  And when I find it, disappointment and sadness cloud everything.  Raw tears run down my face.  I just can't read any more depressing news.  I don't have the strength right now.  My life already seems to be tilted at a precarious angle; one more thing might just tip me over.

I need rest.  Relief.  Restoration.

My message from God yesterday morning was patience and joy through hardships.  And while it instilled some hope into a morning when I felt like I had completely failed, it's hard to grasp onto.  I just feel so tired.  Too tired almost to be able to figure out how to find that joy.  And too clouded to actually see it.

But somehow I must find it.  Time to make Sabbath a bigger priority.