I'm a hoarder

I've never been much of a "saver".  I got my minimalist mindset from my father, who eventually lost the privilege of sorting the mail when I was younger because he frequently threw out things my mom thought were important.  We're good at assessing the value of something and letting go.

Unfortunately, I think I found my hoarding tendency.  But it's not with objects.

I've quoted this here before, but I still love it.  It's from Shauna Niequist's book Bittersweet.

"I love it when a day's activities stack up on top of each other perfectly, from breakfast to work to lunch to grocery shopping to coffee, all the way through till I fall into bed.  I love days when you're always leaving something early to arrive just a touch late at the next place, like pearls on a string or Tarzan swinging on vines, feed never touching the ground.

Or really, I love the idea of that way of living, so I sign myself up for it every chance I get.  And then I realize in the moment that it isn't what I wanted at all.  After a while, I'm frantic and tired and not really listening when people are talking.

I've been around this block a thousand times.  I'm ravenous, and life looks to me so sparkly and beautiful, waiting to be devoured like a perfect apple.  So I say yes, yes to everything.  It's so delicious, and I don't want to miss out on even one moment of it.  And that's the point.  I miss all sorts of sacred and significant moments, because of my frantic insistence that I can do it all, and that I don't have to miss anything."

I refuse to prioritize my life.  And not in a good, take-a-stand kind of way either.  My default setting is to want to do everything.  Ravenous for a full schedule.  A busy day.  Non-stop productivity.

A few days ago I was retelling the success of my day to my mentor, my ability to schedule everything into my week, including a brand-new relationship.  She very carefully told me that I couldn't do it.  That in order to add something into the mix, I would need to drop something else.  I immediately balked at the idea.

"I am quite capable of doing everything.  I'm just better at scheduling than most people."

But I'm pretty sure she's right.  In fact, I openly admit defeat.  And this isn't an easy defeat to admit either because I hold all of the things I love so tightly that the idea of releasing one of them due to time restraints, makes me want to cry (or take up another hobby in order to time travel).

I think this article on Restlessness by Rhett Smith explains it well.  The restlessness comes from unfulfilled desires, caused partially by living on earth and partially by the inability to "discipline our focus".

I want to do lots of things.  But I don't have time for them all.

The first step isn't letting go of the activities.  The first step is accepting the limitations of time.  And the lack of control therewith.