There was no sudden event. Perhaps there was, but I didn't realize it at the time. Sadly, I don't even know how long I've been here.
The Land Between.
The land where dreams lay unrealized. Passions are left to be discovered. Life loses its luster, and the difficulties of life seem overwhelming.
Last summer, I finally realized where I was. God made it abundantly clear that I was stuck in the Land Between. He showed me that I wasn't ready to move forward, I didn't trust enough--I wasn't ready for the "Promised Land". I still had things to learn.
I accepted it with grit. Happy to know where I was, but disappointed at the road ahead of me. Work to be done. My thoughts all seemed to center around the fact that I was in the middle of the desert. Without a clear beginning or clear end I struggled. I wanted to know when I could expect to depart from the desert. That's not what God promises though.
As I'm reading through Jeff Manion's book The Land Between I'm finally seeing some of the similarities between myself and the Israelites. "God's people", the ones he led out of Egyptian slavery and cared for in the desert. The grumbling, complaining, un-trusting people group who we all have a tendency to roll our eyes at when we read about them. How could they not see God's provision? How could they not trust that God would lead them? Great questions. Great similarities.
I trust that God will lead me, I really do. I also have a tendency to forget that all too often. I get my mind completely wrapped around something that I think I deserve (food better than "manna"?) and when it doesn't actualize itself, I complain. I'm positive that I could do it better myself. I'm trapped in the slavery of mistrust. God's saying "watch me, know me, and learn to trust me." Yet I struggle. I think I know better, but I really don't.
I'm in the Land Between, or as I wrote about it before, The Desert of Disappointment.
"The Land Between may provide our greatest opportunity for transformational growth, but it also provides an enormous opportunity for bitter resentments to flourish--for faith to shrivel." Jeff points out that this is a pivotal place in our life. We have the choice of which road we want to go down. Transformational growth or bitter resentment. Jeff also says "It is critical to recognize that (it's) not simply the hardship, but also our reaction to the hardship (that) is forming us." This is a great reminder that our actions, as we deal with a painful situation, have the same power to change us as the original event did. The road we take can be as transformational as the event that pointed us down that road. The process starts right away.
Jeff talks about the Israelites and their penchant to complain. As they continue to complain, they continue to give up their opportunity to trust God. Complaining and trust don't coexist. They're making a choice with God. Their act of complaining sends the message to God that "we don't trust you to provide." What's really interesting is that God attempts to teach them the same lesson over and over again. Basic need being unmet + Israelites complain = God steps in. God's looking for His children to trust Him, and they're not getting it. So they must learn the same lesson over and over and over again. And it's really easy for me to look down and see all of God's provisions for their lives and wonder how they could be so ungrateful and not willing to trust, but I do exactly the same thing today.
This is their training ground. This is the preparation time for the Israelites. This is where God teaches them what they'll need to know once they get to His Promised Land. They waste their growth opportunities with whining and complaining. Wishing things were different and longing for the comfort of slavery. In a sense, this is sort of their incubator. This is where God wants them to grow up.
I wish I could say that I was out of the desert. That I had figured things out and learned all those lessons I was supposed to get the first time around. That I didn't frequently feel frustrated and whine because life didn't go the way I planned.
It's New Years Eve abd I'm at home alone. No invites to any parties. I'd spend the night hanging out with my parents, but they're not in town either. So instead, I've sat here for the last hour and just feeling sorry for myself. My fear that I don't really have any friends who care about me doesn't really hold much water. How silly to even see that in print, yet it shocks me to my core regardless. I don't trust that God is enough for me. This is a prime example of me just not getting it.
Another lesson that God is all I need. Another day in the desert.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Time
There is a beauty in waiting. A patient kind of gift. One I generally don't appreciate fully.
Time, to me, is invaluable. I plan my day, my schedule, my errands. I allot my time accordingly.
My view of time is flawed though. Limited in its scope. All I can see is my immediate time table. The rush I am in to get from A to B. The things I must forgo in order to accomplish something else.
For whatever reason, I'm feeling compelled to appreciate a different kind of time. A slower, less structured time. God's timing.
He requires me to wait on Him when I would rather forge ahead. When I wait and rest in Him, beautiful things happen, but only in His timing.
So tonight, I'm going to see the beauty in time, not my own, and rest and appreciate the beauty of waiting on God.
Time, to me, is invaluable. I plan my day, my schedule, my errands. I allot my time accordingly.
My view of time is flawed though. Limited in its scope. All I can see is my immediate time table. The rush I am in to get from A to B. The things I must forgo in order to accomplish something else.
For whatever reason, I'm feeling compelled to appreciate a different kind of time. A slower, less structured time. God's timing.
He requires me to wait on Him when I would rather forge ahead. When I wait and rest in Him, beautiful things happen, but only in His timing.
So tonight, I'm going to see the beauty in time, not my own, and rest and appreciate the beauty of waiting on God.
Monday, December 27, 2010
New door hardware
I've been rushing through home-improvement projects for the last couple of months to get my house "ready" for relatives visiting at Christmas. I'm not naturally gifted with hospitality, but I was excited to share my new house with family, so I rolled up my sleeves and started furiously working through my mental project list.
LOTS of painting, more spray painting, some installed shelves, lots of new furniture, hanging (and purchasing) wall art, caulking, more painting, and then finally finishing my doors and installing new hardware!
My house was built in 1920, and while many things have been updated since it was built (hooray for vinyl windows, AC, and the addition of a second bathroom!), the vintage doors remain. I loved that they were painted white (along with the trim in the house), but the hardware was a bit of a mess. At some point the owners decided that painting over the hardware would be the easiest route. Layers of paint were encrusted over the screw heads on the door plates and mortise locks. Boo.
I had my heart set on these vintage glass knobs. The old ones were (presumably) brass knobs that had also been painted (most of them black). Ick. After taking off all the hardware on one of my doors to figure out how it worked, I purchased the glass knobs.
LOTS of painting, more spray painting, some installed shelves, lots of new furniture, hanging (and purchasing) wall art, caulking, more painting, and then finally finishing my doors and installing new hardware!
My house was built in 1920, and while many things have been updated since it was built (hooray for vinyl windows, AC, and the addition of a second bathroom!), the vintage doors remain. I loved that they were painted white (along with the trim in the house), but the hardware was a bit of a mess. At some point the owners decided that painting over the hardware would be the easiest route. Layers of paint were encrusted over the screw heads on the door plates and mortise locks. Boo.
I had my heart set on these vintage glass knobs. The old ones were (presumably) brass knobs that had also been painted (most of them black). Ick. After taking off all the hardware on one of my doors to figure out how it worked, I purchased the glass knobs.
Here is a picture of the ugly painted hardware with my new glass knobs--just for kicks.
But I wasn't about to leave the painted hardware as is. Especially since the current door hardware didn't really fit my new knobs. So I purchased some new door hardware. I don't think it's actually vintage (like the knobs), but it was created to look vintage, so I'm okay with it.
I then proceeded to take the hardware off of all of the doors. This required chipping away the paint over the screws (with a screwdriver), prying the paint-covered brass hardware off the doors, and desperately trying to keep from seriously injuring myself in the process. Although I did find some interesting objects that had been stuffed through the lock holes, including a piece of a Lite Bright (oh, childhood memories!) Without knobs (but with the locks), my roommate and I did manage to lock ourselves in one of the rooms once. Oops. Thankfully only once.
Then I had to sand down the edges of approximately four coats of paint where the door hardware met the painted door. Fun stuff. Plus I got to fill a botched deadbolt addition to one of the doors. What do they always say: Measure twice, cut once? Someone should remind whoever decided to install the lock that cutting the hole through the door too big would leave gaping holes around the installed hardware. Definitely had to go. And sorry, it was too hideous to photograph. So I spent an afternoon filling it with wood filler, and then another evening sanding it down.
Before (see the ugly black-painted knob & poorly installed deadbolt?):
Once the doors (there are six) were sanded (and appropriate wood filler/putty was put on them) I was finally able to repaint them. One side at a time. Thankfully the doors were only sans hardware for a week. Then I stripped the paint off the exterior of the mortise locks. (Side note: paint/varnish stripper really hurts if it gets on your skin. Be smarter than me, wear gloves if you use it!)
And finally, on Christmas Eve, I was able to install the new hardware, clean mortise locks, and new knobs. Finally, operating doors!
After:
Just in time to host my first family Christmas gathering yesterday. Hooray!
And now I'm officially on a painting sabbatical. I'm determined to just sit around and enjoy my house as it is before starting on my next project, at least for a little while.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Sadness
Sometimes the sadness is just overwhelming. The clouds impose their gloom and people seem to refuse to smile.
Some days I wish I could have back. Some thoughts I wish would just go away. Some people I just wish I could see. Some dreams I wish would just disappear.
Mostly I just wish I understood. That I didn't feel tired constantly. That I didn't constantly wonder what's not-quite good enough about me. That the next step wasn't clouded in darkness. That life would give me some sort of guarantee.
Apparently not today.
***And then I read John Stumbo's weekly blog that just so happens to post on Thursdays. There's the hope and reassurance that I needed so bad this morning.
"So, to all my friends who carry some sorrow this Christmas…to all my friends who quietly suffer in some way this season…I declare to you that your hardship may not be a sign of His displeasure. In fact, the very opposite might be true.
He’s trusting you. He’s entrusted something significant to you. And, it just might be that this Christmas, He’s bragging to a couple angels about you."
Some days I wish I could have back. Some thoughts I wish would just go away. Some people I just wish I could see. Some dreams I wish would just disappear.
Mostly I just wish I understood. That I didn't feel tired constantly. That I didn't constantly wonder what's not-quite good enough about me. That the next step wasn't clouded in darkness. That life would give me some sort of guarantee.
Apparently not today.
***And then I read John Stumbo's weekly blog that just so happens to post on Thursdays. There's the hope and reassurance that I needed so bad this morning.
"So, to all my friends who carry some sorrow this Christmas…to all my friends who quietly suffer in some way this season…I declare to you that your hardship may not be a sign of His displeasure. In fact, the very opposite might be true.
He’s trusting you. He’s entrusted something significant to you. And, it just might be that this Christmas, He’s bragging to a couple angels about you."
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Six Word Memoirs
There is a legend that Ernest Hemingway was once asked to write a story in six words. No more, no less. So he sat down and did it. He came back and said that it was the greatest story he'd ever written:
"For sale.
Baby shoes.
Never worn."
Wow. Absolutely amazing that you can form an entire story in just six words.
As an SLF team-building exercise we were challenged to take the task of "six word memoirs" a little more personal. We were supposed to look back to the last couple of months in our lives and write a memoir that tells the story. Silly examples were thrown out, along with really profound ones. No wrong answers.
It was one of those experiences that I want to share with everyone now. When forced to pair down something so big into so few words you really have to think it through. I found that it was incredibly reflective and clarifying. Not to mention just a great way to look back on the last couple of months and take inventory of where I've been and where I'm headed. I love to see progress.
Here are a couple of mine:
"Closed doors. Open windows. God's plan."
"Lost hope. Reconciliation. By God's grace."
If you've never done a six word memoir before, do it! Give yourself ten minutes, a piece of paper and a pen and let your mind wander. It's interesting to see what experiences come to mind. What are some of yours?
Baby shoes.
Never worn."
Wow. Absolutely amazing that you can form an entire story in just six words.
As an SLF team-building exercise we were challenged to take the task of "six word memoirs" a little more personal. We were supposed to look back to the last couple of months in our lives and write a memoir that tells the story. Silly examples were thrown out, along with really profound ones. No wrong answers.
It was one of those experiences that I want to share with everyone now. When forced to pair down something so big into so few words you really have to think it through. I found that it was incredibly reflective and clarifying. Not to mention just a great way to look back on the last couple of months and take inventory of where I've been and where I'm headed. I love to see progress.
Here are a couple of mine:
"Closed doors. Open windows. God's plan."
"Lost hope. Reconciliation. By God's grace."
If you've never done a six word memoir before, do it! Give yourself ten minutes, a piece of paper and a pen and let your mind wander. It's interesting to see what experiences come to mind. What are some of yours?
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Prayers
I read this on Steven Furtick's blog (Strange Packaging) today. How true. How beautiful.
"The package might not look like you thought it would. But it’s going to help you become the person you should.
Our best prayers are often the ones that the Holy Spirit interprets, filters, and presents to God in such a way that it gives us exactly what we need even if it’s not exactly what we want (Romans 8:27). Or gives us what we want in a way that we don’t want or couldn’t have imagined."
"The package might not look like you thought it would. But it’s going to help you become the person you should.
Our best prayers are often the ones that the Holy Spirit interprets, filters, and presents to God in such a way that it gives us exactly what we need even if it’s not exactly what we want (Romans 8:27). Or gives us what we want in a way that we don’t want or couldn’t have imagined."
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Blessing
It's funny.
I never would have volunteered had I not felt like God called me to this ministry. But if I had never volunteered I never would have met some fellow leaders who have become some of my best friends, and I would have missed out on meeting some of the greatest high school students ever.
I'm here for a reason--of this I'm certain.
The best part is that God put me here, and he knew. He knew what I needed and where I could be most useful.
Following His direction has turned into a blessing. A jump into the unknown, a scary leap, but it has turned out even better than I could have imagined.
I never would have volunteered had I not felt like God called me to this ministry. But if I had never volunteered I never would have met some fellow leaders who have become some of my best friends, and I would have missed out on meeting some of the greatest high school students ever.
I'm here for a reason--of this I'm certain.
The best part is that God put me here, and he knew. He knew what I needed and where I could be most useful.
Following His direction has turned into a blessing. A jump into the unknown, a scary leap, but it has turned out even better than I could have imagined.
Monday, December 13, 2010
More or Less
There is no short supply of God's love and gifts to His children.
If I ask for more, someone else does not receive less.
The concept is so counter-culture for me, but I love it.
If I ask for more, someone else does not receive less.
The concept is so counter-culture for me, but I love it.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Hearing a "no"
It's a warm winter evening. Nearly 60 degrees. Unbelievable almost.
I should be asleep right now. Saturday evening/Sunday morning 1:00am, but I'm not (obviously).
I'm guessing that's probably because I'm processing through what I believe is a "no" from God right now. So I sit here, trying to let it sink in fully. Give myself proper time to accept the death of something I wanted so much. Where to even start?
Where was the guarantee that life would go according to my plan? Where was the promise of things on my timetable?
How easily I forget that what is there one moment can easily be gone the next. Trying to find acceptance, wholeness, or happiness in something other than God frequently goes this way. I wonder sometimes if particular things are taken away when I lose my focus. That perhaps this is God's way of "gently" reminding me that life with Him is sweet, and sweeter still when my focus is correct.
Thankfully God walks through the journey to healing with me. My head on His shoulder. The calming words of peace and rest He whispers to me. The reminder that great things are ahead. Tonight I need His shoulder more than I knew.
I should be asleep right now. Saturday evening/Sunday morning 1:00am, but I'm not (obviously).
I'm guessing that's probably because I'm processing through what I believe is a "no" from God right now. So I sit here, trying to let it sink in fully. Give myself proper time to accept the death of something I wanted so much. Where to even start?
Where was the guarantee that life would go according to my plan? Where was the promise of things on my timetable?
How easily I forget that what is there one moment can easily be gone the next. Trying to find acceptance, wholeness, or happiness in something other than God frequently goes this way. I wonder sometimes if particular things are taken away when I lose my focus. That perhaps this is God's way of "gently" reminding me that life with Him is sweet, and sweeter still when my focus is correct.
Thankfully God walks through the journey to healing with me. My head on His shoulder. The calming words of peace and rest He whispers to me. The reminder that great things are ahead. Tonight I need His shoulder more than I knew.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Believe It and Be Satisfied
**This is a beautiful piece that my mentor shared with me recently.**
Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone—
To have a deep soul relationship with another—
To be loved thoroughly and exclusively.
But God to a Christian says,
No; not until you are satisfied, fulfilled and content with being loved by me alone—
Discovering that only in Me your satisfaction is to be found—
Will you then be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you.
You will never be united with another until you are united with Me—
Exclusively of anyone or anything else—
I want you to stop planning, stop wishing,
And allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing—
One that you cannot imagine.
I want you to have the best.
Please allow Me to bring it to you.
You just keep watching me, expecting the greatest things—
Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I Am.
Keep listening to and learning the things I tell you.
You just wait, that's all.
Don't be anxious. Don't worry.
Don't look at the things others have gotten or that I have given them.
Don't look at the things you think you want.
You just keep looking at Me,
Or you will miss what I want to show you.
And then, when you're ready,
I'll surprise you with a love that's far more wonderful than any you would ever dream of.
You see, until you are ready, and
Until the one I have for you is ready,
(I am working, even at this moment, to have both of you ready at the same time),
Until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me,
and the life I've prepared for you,
You won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me,
And this is perfect love.
And, dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love—
I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me;
And to enjoy materially and concretely,
The everlasting union of beauty, perfection, and the love that I offer you with Myself.
Know that I love you utterly
I Am God.
Believe it and be satisfied
Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone—
To have a deep soul relationship with another—
To be loved thoroughly and exclusively.
But God to a Christian says,
No; not until you are satisfied, fulfilled and content with being loved by me alone—
Discovering that only in Me your satisfaction is to be found—
Will you then be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you.
You will never be united with another until you are united with Me—
Exclusively of anyone or anything else—
I want you to stop planning, stop wishing,
And allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing—
One that you cannot imagine.
I want you to have the best.
Please allow Me to bring it to you.
You just keep watching me, expecting the greatest things—
Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I Am.
Keep listening to and learning the things I tell you.
You just wait, that's all.
Don't be anxious. Don't worry.
Don't look at the things others have gotten or that I have given them.
Don't look at the things you think you want.
You just keep looking at Me,
Or you will miss what I want to show you.
And then, when you're ready,
I'll surprise you with a love that's far more wonderful than any you would ever dream of.
You see, until you are ready, and
Until the one I have for you is ready,
(I am working, even at this moment, to have both of you ready at the same time),
Until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me,
and the life I've prepared for you,
You won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me,
And this is perfect love.
And, dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love—
I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me;
And to enjoy materially and concretely,
The everlasting union of beauty, perfection, and the love that I offer you with Myself.
Know that I love you utterly
I Am God.
Believe it and be satisfied
Leadership
Feeling overwhelmed with responsibility?
"I have found that it is in the place of responsibility that we can have very close fellowship with the Lord. He is the King of kings, so responsibility is what He does. We are in training for reigning with Him. The reigning may not be the reward, but the fellowship with Him in reigning will be our reward. If we want to abide with Him we must learn to find fellowship with Him in all responsibility, and in all authority." 50 Days for an Enduring Vision - Rick Joyner
I have found some of the greatest fellowship among groups of leaders I've been a part of. When you're part of a team you're practically family. So when I read this yesterday I was really encouraged. Despite the challenges of leading that I face and the overwhelming odds and responsibility that I feel sometimes, God is training me to be prepared to lead with Him someday. I'm looking forward to that day, to that intimate fellowship of leading on the same team.
Time to keep training.
"I have found that it is in the place of responsibility that we can have very close fellowship with the Lord. He is the King of kings, so responsibility is what He does. We are in training for reigning with Him. The reigning may not be the reward, but the fellowship with Him in reigning will be our reward. If we want to abide with Him we must learn to find fellowship with Him in all responsibility, and in all authority." 50 Days for an Enduring Vision - Rick Joyner
I have found some of the greatest fellowship among groups of leaders I've been a part of. When you're part of a team you're practically family. So when I read this yesterday I was really encouraged. Despite the challenges of leading that I face and the overwhelming odds and responsibility that I feel sometimes, God is training me to be prepared to lead with Him someday. I'm looking forward to that day, to that intimate fellowship of leading on the same team.
Time to keep training.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Happy Birthday me
Only one thing could make today better.
Thankful and blessed by amazing friends, a supportive family, and a church I love.
Being a quarter-of-a-century never felt so good.
Thankful and blessed by amazing friends, a supportive family, and a church I love.
Being a quarter-of-a-century never felt so good.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Weird vibes
Have you ever had a conversation with someone that you just got weird vibes from? Not the person, just the conversation.
By no means am I an amazing "people reader", but I'm usually pretty good at parsing for subtext and reading between the lines. I also generally have a pretty good gut feelings on things.
Last night I had a conversation that had weird vibes practically jumping out at me. I'm not sure what it was about the conversation, but something wasn't normal. And I'm not thrilled with the "I wish I just understood what was going on" thoughts that continue to run through my head.
Oh-well, guess that's all I get for now.
By no means am I an amazing "people reader", but I'm usually pretty good at parsing for subtext and reading between the lines. I also generally have a pretty good gut feelings on things.
Last night I had a conversation that had weird vibes practically jumping out at me. I'm not sure what it was about the conversation, but something wasn't normal. And I'm not thrilled with the "I wish I just understood what was going on" thoughts that continue to run through my head.
Oh-well, guess that's all I get for now.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Philippians 4:6-7
Philippians 4:6-7
6 Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. 7 Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.
I love this passage. So much so that I've written it down on a (neon yellow) index card that sits on my desk. It's a constant reminder that worrying is futile. Prayer is the answer. I glanced over today for my daily reminder and two things struck me.
I've been missing a step in the process this whole time. Instead of worrying, we're called to pray. We're called to cry out to God with our requests and needs, but we're also directed to thank God for all that He has done. Wups. I'm pretty sure that my worry-directed prayers aren't including "thanks for..." sections. Time to revise those prayers.
Additionally, I'm inextricably drawn to the word "peace" or just the concept thereof. Since last week after sharing this passage, I've found myself drawn to the second sentence of verse 7. "His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." Specifically the word "guard". It's an action word-- not a passive "watch", but a vigilant protection. His peace will guard... It's interesting to me that it doesn't say "He will guard..." that's what I would expect to read. It definitely says that His peace will guard. I'm not a "Bible scholar", but I think he's talking about the Holy Spirit here. Holy Spirit = peace = guarding our hearts and minds.
"Before Jesus, we were not allowed to be in the presence of God. But, through Jesus' sacrifice, our peace with God was purchased. In addition to Jesus' death buying you peace with God, it also serves as a cleansing sacrifice to allow you into the presence of the Lord. With the Holy Spirit now living inside of you, you are able to experience the peace of God. This is the kind of peace that the Fruit of the Holy Spirit manifests." from Hem of His Garment Bible Study
It's funny how you can read something a million times and have completely new insights still appear. I love that about scripture.
6 Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. 7 Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.
I love this passage. So much so that I've written it down on a (neon yellow) index card that sits on my desk. It's a constant reminder that worrying is futile. Prayer is the answer. I glanced over today for my daily reminder and two things struck me.
I've been missing a step in the process this whole time. Instead of worrying, we're called to pray. We're called to cry out to God with our requests and needs, but we're also directed to thank God for all that He has done. Wups. I'm pretty sure that my worry-directed prayers aren't including "thanks for..." sections. Time to revise those prayers.
Additionally, I'm inextricably drawn to the word "peace" or just the concept thereof. Since last week after sharing this passage, I've found myself drawn to the second sentence of verse 7. "His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." Specifically the word "guard". It's an action word-- not a passive "watch", but a vigilant protection. His peace will guard... It's interesting to me that it doesn't say "He will guard..." that's what I would expect to read. It definitely says that His peace will guard. I'm not a "Bible scholar", but I think he's talking about the Holy Spirit here. Holy Spirit = peace = guarding our hearts and minds.
"Before Jesus, we were not allowed to be in the presence of God. But, through Jesus' sacrifice, our peace with God was purchased. In addition to Jesus' death buying you peace with God, it also serves as a cleansing sacrifice to allow you into the presence of the Lord. With the Holy Spirit now living inside of you, you are able to experience the peace of God. This is the kind of peace that the Fruit of the Holy Spirit manifests." from Hem of His Garment Bible Study
It's funny how you can read something a million times and have completely new insights still appear. I love that about scripture.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Trust
When I have nothing left. When I throw my hands up in frustration.
I remember that I wasn't meant to do this alone.
God's timing is perfect. He will sustain me until then.
Tonight I trust. It's all I have the energy left to do.
I remember that I wasn't meant to do this alone.
God's timing is perfect. He will sustain me until then.
Tonight I trust. It's all I have the energy left to do.
Memories
A reminder
A simple object
A profound memory
Sometimes I slip into a mental nonchalance. A place in time where I allow my mind to wander to familiar but non-existent places. It's so much easier to hang out there. Soak in the vivid memories and envision new and better realities.
But I'm certain that's the root of my unrealistic expectations. A fantasy that I perpetuate regardless of the fact that I will eventually be hurt by it.
The real difficulty comes during the days/nights where the soothing (albeit short) quality of past & fantasy is the only balm that seems to work.
The battle rages.
A simple object
A profound memory
Sometimes I slip into a mental nonchalance. A place in time where I allow my mind to wander to familiar but non-existent places. It's so much easier to hang out there. Soak in the vivid memories and envision new and better realities.
But I'm certain that's the root of my unrealistic expectations. A fantasy that I perpetuate regardless of the fact that I will eventually be hurt by it.
The real difficulty comes during the days/nights where the soothing (albeit short) quality of past & fantasy is the only balm that seems to work.
The battle rages.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
when strivings cease
In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand.
(In Christ Alone)
Today I'm living this part of the song. I'm feeling immeasurable peace and the beginning of true rest. I got the visual picture last night of my head on Jesus' shoulder. What a calming thought. Wrapped up in His arms, finding the rest that He offers the weary.
And as a result, I feel like I'm operating from the overflow today, as opposed to pulling out everything I have and then just running on empty.
I actually woke up this morning, and when I remembered that it's a shortened week due to Thanksgiving I almost cried. Blessed rest. Available and freely given. Couldn't be happier.
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand.
(In Christ Alone)
Today I'm living this part of the song. I'm feeling immeasurable peace and the beginning of true rest. I got the visual picture last night of my head on Jesus' shoulder. What a calming thought. Wrapped up in His arms, finding the rest that He offers the weary.
And as a result, I feel like I'm operating from the overflow today, as opposed to pulling out everything I have and then just running on empty.
I actually woke up this morning, and when I remembered that it's a shortened week due to Thanksgiving I almost cried. Blessed rest. Available and freely given. Couldn't be happier.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Loss
A year and a half ago my world shifted.
My best friend dissolved our friendship completely out of the blue--by email. She refused to talk about things. She had no interest in working things out. We'd been friends for a decade.
I was incredibly hurt. To the tips of my toes I was altered because of that situation. For better and for worse. I constantly fear that people will grow tired of me and leave with little warning. I also diversify and spread out my friendships. Just like the idiom "don't put all your eggs in one basket". I learned my lesson. I now act accordingly.
And as a result, my friendships are healthier and I'm healthier.
Yet to this day, I'd do almost anything to reconstruct that broken friendship. A year and a half later with almost no communication, and all she would need to do is call me. I'm intensely loyal and not one to hold a grudge.
I'd worked through the pain months ago. I had accepted the inevitable: a lost friendship forever. It stung, but even that went away after a while. I now have excellent friends who've hung around through the highs and the lows. I don't actually "need" her like I used to. I shut the door, and I was okay with it.
Now it seems that the door has cracked open. Possibilities that didn't exist before this week presented themselves to me. I have a couple ways I can deal with the situation. I'm trying to balance the reminder of the hurt with the giddy jumping-up-and-down that's going on in my head.
The conundrum rages. How far will the door actually open? Where will this go?
My best friend dissolved our friendship completely out of the blue--by email. She refused to talk about things. She had no interest in working things out. We'd been friends for a decade.
I was incredibly hurt. To the tips of my toes I was altered because of that situation. For better and for worse. I constantly fear that people will grow tired of me and leave with little warning. I also diversify and spread out my friendships. Just like the idiom "don't put all your eggs in one basket". I learned my lesson. I now act accordingly.
And as a result, my friendships are healthier and I'm healthier.
Yet to this day, I'd do almost anything to reconstruct that broken friendship. A year and a half later with almost no communication, and all she would need to do is call me. I'm intensely loyal and not one to hold a grudge.
I'd worked through the pain months ago. I had accepted the inevitable: a lost friendship forever. It stung, but even that went away after a while. I now have excellent friends who've hung around through the highs and the lows. I don't actually "need" her like I used to. I shut the door, and I was okay with it.
Now it seems that the door has cracked open. Possibilities that didn't exist before this week presented themselves to me. I have a couple ways I can deal with the situation. I'm trying to balance the reminder of the hurt with the giddy jumping-up-and-down that's going on in my head.
The conundrum rages. How far will the door actually open? Where will this go?
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Value & Worth
Wrapped around the topic of significance, I feel lost.
I've struggled for days to figure it out. And then I realized that the issue is worth. Value.
Not valued in the "we don't appreciate you" sense. But in a, "what do I actually have to contribute?" kind of way. Yet how can you be truly appreciated if you don't have anything to offer?
I struggle, daily, with feelings of inadequacy and unimportance. I wonder if my opinion even matters. Why would anyone at work listen to me? Why would anyone read my blog? Who really cares what I post on twitter? When will my friends finally get tired of me and just leave?
I worry about perceptions. A lot. Personal judgment comes easily. Too easily. I orchestrate life just so, I make strategic impressions, I dress a certain way, and I hold myself according to the way I wish to be viewed. Not a false view of myself. I don't try to be someone I'm not, but I also don't frequently let the deep cracks show. Only my closest friends see those.
I worry that people will see my insecurities and label me accordingly. "Is she really ______ enough?"
Why does it matter, right? It all seems to boil down to worth and value. Feeling valued gives a certain boldness, a certainty of action. When you feel like you have something of value to offer, you're able to look past the "judgment" of others to where you're headed. There's a clarity of vision and purpose. This is definitely where I want to be.
Yet too often my age, or my perceived age, automatically directs me to a "worth-less" pile. I'm lied to. I'm told that I have nothing to share, not enough maturity or wisdom to make the important decisions. My opinion is asked for, but for all intents and purposes, it's just for show. So I walk around wounded, feeling unheard and under-valued. Living in a world that I can't seem to find my niche in. My age pushes me forward and holds me back at the same time. I don't know how to win.
My value in Christ is secure, but my earthly value is less stable. I frequently feel young, inexperienced, naive, and small. I'm tired of constantly feeling like I have to prove myself. I'm ready for the boldness of action and steps forward.
I've struggled for days to figure it out. And then I realized that the issue is worth. Value.
Not valued in the "we don't appreciate you" sense. But in a, "what do I actually have to contribute?" kind of way. Yet how can you be truly appreciated if you don't have anything to offer?
I struggle, daily, with feelings of inadequacy and unimportance. I wonder if my opinion even matters. Why would anyone at work listen to me? Why would anyone read my blog? Who really cares what I post on twitter? When will my friends finally get tired of me and just leave?
I worry about perceptions. A lot. Personal judgment comes easily. Too easily. I orchestrate life just so, I make strategic impressions, I dress a certain way, and I hold myself according to the way I wish to be viewed. Not a false view of myself. I don't try to be someone I'm not, but I also don't frequently let the deep cracks show. Only my closest friends see those.
I worry that people will see my insecurities and label me accordingly. "Is she really ______ enough?"
Why does it matter, right? It all seems to boil down to worth and value. Feeling valued gives a certain boldness, a certainty of action. When you feel like you have something of value to offer, you're able to look past the "judgment" of others to where you're headed. There's a clarity of vision and purpose. This is definitely where I want to be.
Yet too often my age, or my perceived age, automatically directs me to a "worth-less" pile. I'm lied to. I'm told that I have nothing to share, not enough maturity or wisdom to make the important decisions. My opinion is asked for, but for all intents and purposes, it's just for show. So I walk around wounded, feeling unheard and under-valued. Living in a world that I can't seem to find my niche in. My age pushes me forward and holds me back at the same time. I don't know how to win.
My value in Christ is secure, but my earthly value is less stable. I frequently feel young, inexperienced, naive, and small. I'm tired of constantly feeling like I have to prove myself. I'm ready for the boldness of action and steps forward.
Friday, November 12, 2010
living stones
We are living stones.
1 Peter 2:4-5
I looked "stone" up on dictionary.com. A website I frequent. And this definition defines this idea even better:
I have been quarried for a particular purpose.
The best part of this verse is the sense of community though. A house is not built with just one stone, but many. You can look at this verse as a completely personal application, or you can see it as something bigger. That each of us is but one stone in the spiritual house, surrounded by other stones.
To me, there's a deep sense of community, common purpose, and unity required. A team mentality. A, "if you succeed we all succeed" kind of mindset. There's also a sense of relief, a reminder that we don't have to do it all alone, in fact, that's not how we were created. We're meant to work together.
Much better than sacrificing a calf. IMO.
1 Peter 2:4-5
"4 As you come to him, the living Stone—rejected by humans but chosen by God and precious to him— 5 you also, like living stones, are being built into a spiritual house to be a holy priesthood, offering spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ."
I looked "stone" up on dictionary.com. A website I frequent. And this definition defines this idea even better:
Stone: A piece of rock quarried and worked into a specific size and shape for a particular purpose (paving stone; building stone)
I have been quarried for a particular purpose.
The best part of this verse is the sense of community though. A house is not built with just one stone, but many. You can look at this verse as a completely personal application, or you can see it as something bigger. That each of us is but one stone in the spiritual house, surrounded by other stones.
To me, there's a deep sense of community, common purpose, and unity required. A team mentality. A, "if you succeed we all succeed" kind of mindset. There's also a sense of relief, a reminder that we don't have to do it all alone, in fact, that's not how we were created. We're meant to work together.
Have you ever noticed that great things can happen through collaboration? Duplication waters down the effort. If we all do what we were uniquely created to do, and support others who are doing likewise, the results are limitless. Spiritual sacrifices to God.
Much better than sacrificing a calf. IMO.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Words
Words are like tears. Extremely freeing emotionally, but completely unpredictable as well.
It always seems that words fail me when I need them most. When I need to describe how I'm feeling about something important or when I simply just want release; the words frequently feel distant and sterile.
I feel off kilter today. Not enough that I'm worried I'm falling, but enough that I'm frustrated.
It's funny actually. Well, not really in a literal sense, but through a recent emotional situation I wanted nothing more than just to feel numb again. To just not feel the searing pain all the time. And now I feel like that's exactly where I'm at--more or less--and the numb feeling isn't any more soothing than the pain. In fact, it's disconcerting.
I couldn't speak up, I couldn't pray aloud, I couldn't come up with a prayer request. I feel like I've stumbled into an emotionless haze and I desperately want out.
The hope is that the words will pierce the haze and free me from this immobilization. The fear is that, like when I want to cry most, the tears just won't come.
I want what I can't have. Where is the release from that?
It always seems that words fail me when I need them most. When I need to describe how I'm feeling about something important or when I simply just want release; the words frequently feel distant and sterile.
I feel off kilter today. Not enough that I'm worried I'm falling, but enough that I'm frustrated.
It's funny actually. Well, not really in a literal sense, but through a recent emotional situation I wanted nothing more than just to feel numb again. To just not feel the searing pain all the time. And now I feel like that's exactly where I'm at--more or less--and the numb feeling isn't any more soothing than the pain. In fact, it's disconcerting.
I couldn't speak up, I couldn't pray aloud, I couldn't come up with a prayer request. I feel like I've stumbled into an emotionless haze and I desperately want out.
The hope is that the words will pierce the haze and free me from this immobilization. The fear is that, like when I want to cry most, the tears just won't come.
I want what I can't have. Where is the release from that?
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Busyness
I pulled out my phone and opened my calendar. Surely finding a free evening sometime in November shouldn't be that difficult...
EIGHT evenings. That's all. That's all the weeknight evenings in November that are unaccounted for--as of the end of October. It wasn't even November yet and the month was basically already over, or at least it seemed that way.
I'm struggling. I'm honestly struggling. I plan, and plan, and plan until there is nothing left. I've shared this snippet from Shauna Niequist's book Bittersweet before, but it seems applicable yet again:
"I love it when a day's activities stack up on top of each other perfectly, from breakfast to work to lunch to grocery shopping to coffee, all the way through till I fall into bed. I love days when you're always leaving something early to arrive just a touch late at the next place, like pearls on a string or Tarzan swinging on vines, feet never touching the ground."
I love that too. In a sick and twisted sort of way. I love to be busy.
Shauna goes on to talk about how the busyness creates a loss in the end. You can't be involved with everything and still find quality time. You stop listening, paying attention, being aware. You're too focused on "doing" that you can't appreciate "being". That's me. A lot of the time. I've taken "busy" to an unhealthy place. A schedule so jam packed that only eight mid-week evenings are still free in an entire month.
So when my Monday night D-group meetings got moved to Sundays after church, I did an internal happy dance. A free evening. A gift from God!
And you know that I was initially inclined to do? Schedule it. I actually started wracking my brain to think of all the people I've wanted to see and just haven't had time to see lately, and then I stopped. This is how the insanity begins. This is invariably how I end up at this point time and time again.
The longer I let my mind wrap around a free evening each week, the calmer I feel. Life necessitates boundaries. Scheduling boundaries need to exist. I can only do so much for so many people in any given time. And I can't effectively give to people when I'm completely depleted. But for some reason, scheduling time just for myself seems like a waste. It still puzzles me.
Perhaps that is because my time is invaluable. In fact, I had a conversation with a friend where I realized that tithing is no big deal, but the giving of my time is the real sacrifice. With a finite number of hours in the day and days in the week, and countless things that "need to" and "should" get done, there just never seems to be enough time. I want to do it all, but I can't.
I don't frequently wish that I lived in another era, I'm rather fond of modern convenience, but the slower pace of times gone is something I wish we had more of now. How did we get to the point of never-ending appointments, meetings, assignments. Is that really the cost of "modern convenience" or have we lost sight of things?
EIGHT evenings. That's all. That's all the weeknight evenings in November that are unaccounted for--as of the end of October. It wasn't even November yet and the month was basically already over, or at least it seemed that way.
I'm struggling. I'm honestly struggling. I plan, and plan, and plan until there is nothing left. I've shared this snippet from Shauna Niequist's book Bittersweet before, but it seems applicable yet again:
"I love it when a day's activities stack up on top of each other perfectly, from breakfast to work to lunch to grocery shopping to coffee, all the way through till I fall into bed. I love days when you're always leaving something early to arrive just a touch late at the next place, like pearls on a string or Tarzan swinging on vines, feet never touching the ground."
I love that too. In a sick and twisted sort of way. I love to be busy.
Shauna goes on to talk about how the busyness creates a loss in the end. You can't be involved with everything and still find quality time. You stop listening, paying attention, being aware. You're too focused on "doing" that you can't appreciate "being". That's me. A lot of the time. I've taken "busy" to an unhealthy place. A schedule so jam packed that only eight mid-week evenings are still free in an entire month.
So when my Monday night D-group meetings got moved to Sundays after church, I did an internal happy dance. A free evening. A gift from God!
And you know that I was initially inclined to do? Schedule it. I actually started wracking my brain to think of all the people I've wanted to see and just haven't had time to see lately, and then I stopped. This is how the insanity begins. This is invariably how I end up at this point time and time again.
The longer I let my mind wrap around a free evening each week, the calmer I feel. Life necessitates boundaries. Scheduling boundaries need to exist. I can only do so much for so many people in any given time. And I can't effectively give to people when I'm completely depleted. But for some reason, scheduling time just for myself seems like a waste. It still puzzles me.
Perhaps that is because my time is invaluable. In fact, I had a conversation with a friend where I realized that tithing is no big deal, but the giving of my time is the real sacrifice. With a finite number of hours in the day and days in the week, and countless things that "need to" and "should" get done, there just never seems to be enough time. I want to do it all, but I can't.
I don't frequently wish that I lived in another era, I'm rather fond of modern convenience, but the slower pace of times gone is something I wish we had more of now. How did we get to the point of never-ending appointments, meetings, assignments. Is that really the cost of "modern convenience" or have we lost sight of things?
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Salem Alliance
I was heavily involved at Dayspring Fellowship when I was in middle school. Heavily to the point of getting overwhelmed. I was on leadership (S.A.L.T.), I volunteered in the children's department (for everything, regular weekends, Wednesday nights, holidays, special events, etc...), and I was frequently at the church just to hang out. It's entirely possible that I spent more time at Dayspring than I spent at home. Partially because I saw Dayspring as a home. Partially because I didn't have many non-church friends in middle school.
Freshman year of high school I struggled. The cliques grew like tree roots among the McNary kids. Unfortunately I didn't attend the only public high school in Keizer, so I automatically had nothing to talk to my old friends about. I eventually just stopped going.
Six months to a year later I decided to jump back on the horse and try out other churches in Salem. A large group of friends who went to my school also went to Salem Alliance. I decided to start there.
I critiqued it as a guest, visited for a couple months and then one day I decided that it was my new church. As a sophomore in high school I had already picked my church. And I was really happy about it. I felt welcomed and comfortable there. Sure, I stopped going to the youth group after Junior year, sat by myself a lot of times, and never took the effort to get to know people there, but it still felt like home. I went every week, even if I was all by myself.
Moving away from home for college was when I realized just how much I missed Salem Alliance. I missed Salem, my family, and my home too, but there was always something special about Salem Alliance. I tried other churches and always felt snobby when I couldn't get myself to go back. The best I could figure was that I had already made a decision about "my" church. And all other churches just didn't measure up. My loyalty runs deep.
I drove home most weekends, or just listened to podcasts of the sermons on Sunday morning instead of attending other churches. I just couldn't force myself to go to churches I knew would never be able to measure up.
Fast forward a few years; a couple months after college graduation I found myself working part time for Salem Alliance. Something that was unfathomable to me initially. I think it took two weeks of working there before I realized the awesome gig I actually had. I was a part of a team. An amazing group of people who cared about me. That young, part-time Preschool curriculum prep girl who worked a completely random schedule. I did monotonous cutting, photocopying, and prepping rooms, but I loved everything about it regardless. I threw extra hours in and just never claimed them. I just wanted to be there, I didn't care if they paid me. I felt loved, and accepted, and most of all, I felt known--and that feeling was intoxicating. I took awful part-time jobs to supplement my income SO that I could keep my curriculum prep job. It was honestly worth it. I would have done anything to keep that job.
After a year, necessary budget cuts had to be made. Non-essential positions were eliminated. Mine included. I cried. A lot. I remember my brother trying to work through future plans with me. He asked me what I wanted to do--dream job material. I stopped and thought about it, but the answer was easy. I wanted to work for Salem Alliance. He didn't get it. And I didn't understand why God would take away what I felt most passionate about.
I made friends in Middle Earth (the floor that all the childrens & youth staff work), and I still end up there often. Always a 20 minute trip as I quickly catch up with some of the greatest people in the world who still work down there.
What strikes me so much though is the overwhelming feeling of peace I feel just being inside that building. Salem Alliance is a place of solace for me. A completely safe haven from the storm. I always just assumed it was the building, which is a silly assumption, but Christina pointed out that it's God--DUH. I experience God in that building. I experience God there like no other place I know. I feel grounded and centered. Loved beyond measure. And surrounded by people who I know, and who know me. I could spend all day there. I'd do it too.
What Christina also told me is that I can take that feeling, that experiencing God feeling, with me no matter where I am. It's borderline overwhelming to think about leaving Salem Alliance. My tie there is stronger than most people, and a lot of people don't quite understand my fierce passion for my church. But the general idea of being able to experience that flooded peace anywhere is reassuring too. That if someday God calls me elsewhere, He'll provide places where I can intimately experience Him too. Right now I'm here, and I'm content. But only God knows my future.
Freshman year of high school I struggled. The cliques grew like tree roots among the McNary kids. Unfortunately I didn't attend the only public high school in Keizer, so I automatically had nothing to talk to my old friends about. I eventually just stopped going.
Six months to a year later I decided to jump back on the horse and try out other churches in Salem. A large group of friends who went to my school also went to Salem Alliance. I decided to start there.
I critiqued it as a guest, visited for a couple months and then one day I decided that it was my new church. As a sophomore in high school I had already picked my church. And I was really happy about it. I felt welcomed and comfortable there. Sure, I stopped going to the youth group after Junior year, sat by myself a lot of times, and never took the effort to get to know people there, but it still felt like home. I went every week, even if I was all by myself.
Moving away from home for college was when I realized just how much I missed Salem Alliance. I missed Salem, my family, and my home too, but there was always something special about Salem Alliance. I tried other churches and always felt snobby when I couldn't get myself to go back. The best I could figure was that I had already made a decision about "my" church. And all other churches just didn't measure up. My loyalty runs deep.
I drove home most weekends, or just listened to podcasts of the sermons on Sunday morning instead of attending other churches. I just couldn't force myself to go to churches I knew would never be able to measure up.
Fast forward a few years; a couple months after college graduation I found myself working part time for Salem Alliance. Something that was unfathomable to me initially. I think it took two weeks of working there before I realized the awesome gig I actually had. I was a part of a team. An amazing group of people who cared about me. That young, part-time Preschool curriculum prep girl who worked a completely random schedule. I did monotonous cutting, photocopying, and prepping rooms, but I loved everything about it regardless. I threw extra hours in and just never claimed them. I just wanted to be there, I didn't care if they paid me. I felt loved, and accepted, and most of all, I felt known--and that feeling was intoxicating. I took awful part-time jobs to supplement my income SO that I could keep my curriculum prep job. It was honestly worth it. I would have done anything to keep that job.
After a year, necessary budget cuts had to be made. Non-essential positions were eliminated. Mine included. I cried. A lot. I remember my brother trying to work through future plans with me. He asked me what I wanted to do--dream job material. I stopped and thought about it, but the answer was easy. I wanted to work for Salem Alliance. He didn't get it. And I didn't understand why God would take away what I felt most passionate about.
I made friends in Middle Earth (the floor that all the childrens & youth staff work), and I still end up there often. Always a 20 minute trip as I quickly catch up with some of the greatest people in the world who still work down there.
What strikes me so much though is the overwhelming feeling of peace I feel just being inside that building. Salem Alliance is a place of solace for me. A completely safe haven from the storm. I always just assumed it was the building, which is a silly assumption, but Christina pointed out that it's God--DUH. I experience God in that building. I experience God there like no other place I know. I feel grounded and centered. Loved beyond measure. And surrounded by people who I know, and who know me. I could spend all day there. I'd do it too.
What Christina also told me is that I can take that feeling, that experiencing God feeling, with me no matter where I am. It's borderline overwhelming to think about leaving Salem Alliance. My tie there is stronger than most people, and a lot of people don't quite understand my fierce passion for my church. But the general idea of being able to experience that flooded peace anywhere is reassuring too. That if someday God calls me elsewhere, He'll provide places where I can intimately experience Him too. Right now I'm here, and I'm content. But only God knows my future.
Monday, November 1, 2010
More growth
Several months ago God laid mentoring on my heart.
Not just to mentor those younger than me, but to find someone to be my mentor.
To mentor and be mentored. Succinct. Easy enough, right?
I told God "okay", and while I worried about finding the "right" mentor (Where would they be? How would I know when I found them?), God led me to youth ministries. Apparently I needed to learn what would be necessary of me as a mentor before I could figure out what I needed from someone else. I get that now.
As I listen to God I keep hearing Him whispering "Holy Spirit". The next step. I'll admit, I've shied away from the spiritual realm for most of my life. Living in the concrete and tangible. But the last few months have continually brought me back to this spiritual realm and the forces I battle with. Admittedly, not a comfortable place, but incredibly eye opening.
So of course that is where God would continue with my growing. Not that youth ministries and all the twists and turns associated with serving there hasn't been enough of a growing experience. It's time for me to delve into more growth. Pull up my sleeves and really dig in. Plus, the only way to peace is through obedience and trust.
I've had a lot of certainty lately. Lots of times where I know I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, or pointed in the right direction. It's nice. And it's terrifying. The clouded feeling of never knowing what was next made it really easy to ignore things or not really move forward. But the cloud seems to have dissipated. It's still unknown territory, but I can see the signs.
I'm still afraid of the unknown though. And I'm afraid of what this new step might practically mean for me.
Looks like it's time to jump regardless.
Not just to mentor those younger than me, but to find someone to be my mentor.
To mentor and be mentored. Succinct. Easy enough, right?
I told God "okay", and while I worried about finding the "right" mentor (Where would they be? How would I know when I found them?), God led me to youth ministries. Apparently I needed to learn what would be necessary of me as a mentor before I could figure out what I needed from someone else. I get that now.
As I listen to God I keep hearing Him whispering "Holy Spirit". The next step. I'll admit, I've shied away from the spiritual realm for most of my life. Living in the concrete and tangible. But the last few months have continually brought me back to this spiritual realm and the forces I battle with. Admittedly, not a comfortable place, but incredibly eye opening.
So of course that is where God would continue with my growing. Not that youth ministries and all the twists and turns associated with serving there hasn't been enough of a growing experience. It's time for me to delve into more growth. Pull up my sleeves and really dig in. Plus, the only way to peace is through obedience and trust.
I've had a lot of certainty lately. Lots of times where I know I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be, or pointed in the right direction. It's nice. And it's terrifying. The clouded feeling of never knowing what was next made it really easy to ignore things or not really move forward. But the cloud seems to have dissipated. It's still unknown territory, but I can see the signs.
I'm still afraid of the unknown though. And I'm afraid of what this new step might practically mean for me.
Looks like it's time to jump regardless.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Hope, Peace, and Love
Where hope settles in the cracks.
And peace pervades the darkness.
Love overshadows all.
May your roots grow deep. Deep and solid. So that at the proper time your limbs have the base to expand their reach outward. Continually growing down and out with time. Stronger and wiser. May the fruit that you drop from your limbs be sweet. Sweet with experience, spiritual insight, grace, and love. May you feed the starving generations and shelter the weak and downtrodden under your branches. May you find rest in the solitary and strength in the Son.
You're here for a reason. You have been chosen for such a time as this. Are you living it?
From the overflow. Love overwhelms.
And peace pervades the darkness.Love overshadows all.
May your roots grow deep. Deep and solid. So that at the proper time your limbs have the base to expand their reach outward. Continually growing down and out with time. Stronger and wiser. May the fruit that you drop from your limbs be sweet. Sweet with experience, spiritual insight, grace, and love. May you feed the starving generations and shelter the weak and downtrodden under your branches. May you find rest in the solitary and strength in the Son.
You're here for a reason. You have been chosen for such a time as this. Are you living it?
From the overflow. Love overwhelms.
Closet organization project
As a homeowner, I'm continually getting ideas for how to customize and optimize the spaces in my house. There is a square "closet" in my bedroom, that is about 3'x3'. Since I don't use that closet to store clothes (I have a whole other room for that!), it is more of a storage closet for files and other miscellaneous things. Regardless, with the odd shape, it was starting to look more like a dumping ground for clutter, so I decided to be handy and build some shelves (Friday night).
The closet really wasn't usable as it was. Especially since I wasn't hanging clothes in it.
I wanted the shelves to form an "L" across the back and right side (You can't see it, but there is a 12" space between the door opening and the wall), so I would need to customize them myself.
So I took a trip to Lowes, bought the wood and had them cut it. Lesson learned: don't stand directly in the line of the big saw, because if the blade is turned the wrong way, the board WILL fly across the isle. No one was injured, but it was quite comical and the poor guy who was cutting the wood was pretty new and obviously embarrassed.
After the wood was cut I went home and set it all up in my garage/glorified shed (Finally a use for that space!), and painted the boards black. Several hours and several coats later, I finished. I let them dry overnight and brought them inside the next day.
Unable to find the power drill at my parents house, I was resigned to just screw the brackets in with a screwdriver. Not terrible, but I will admit that my thumb throbbed for a couple of days after. And, because I was determined to finish this project myself, I probably looked really funny in the small square closet trying to hold up the board, hold the bracket, and check the level all at the same time, but I completed the project. Hooray!
And after a quick trip to IKEA, to get some baskets to make the clutter even less visible, it is finally done.
I have a strong tendency to decide I'm going to tackle a project, assume it will be really easy and quick, and then realize part way through that the project is actually going to take me several days/an entire weekend. I should probably stop doing that, but I can't seem to help myself.
Regardless, yay for clean and organized closets! I wonder what project will be next...
The closet really wasn't usable as it was. Especially since I wasn't hanging clothes in it.
I wanted the shelves to form an "L" across the back and right side (You can't see it, but there is a 12" space between the door opening and the wall), so I would need to customize them myself.
So I took a trip to Lowes, bought the wood and had them cut it. Lesson learned: don't stand directly in the line of the big saw, because if the blade is turned the wrong way, the board WILL fly across the isle. No one was injured, but it was quite comical and the poor guy who was cutting the wood was pretty new and obviously embarrassed.After the wood was cut I went home and set it all up in my garage/glorified shed (Finally a use for that space!), and painted the boards black. Several hours and several coats later, I finished. I let them dry overnight and brought them inside the next day.
Unable to find the power drill at my parents house, I was resigned to just screw the brackets in with a screwdriver. Not terrible, but I will admit that my thumb throbbed for a couple of days after. And, because I was determined to finish this project myself, I probably looked really funny in the small square closet trying to hold up the board, hold the bracket, and check the level all at the same time, but I completed the project. Hooray!And after a quick trip to IKEA, to get some baskets to make the clutter even less visible, it is finally done.
I have a strong tendency to decide I'm going to tackle a project, assume it will be really easy and quick, and then realize part way through that the project is actually going to take me several days/an entire weekend. I should probably stop doing that, but I can't seem to help myself.
Regardless, yay for clean and organized closets! I wonder what project will be next...
Thursday, October 28, 2010
tears
I'm not afraid of crying. In fact, a good sappy commercial can actually turn the waterworks on. But in the midst of telling a story the other night, a story I've told numerous times without feeling anything, I was assaulted with tears. The experience was bizarre, not because tears weren't appropriate, but because I couldn't tap into where they were coming from. I don't just cry without reason. They were foreign, and sudden, and seemingly out of context. But they spoke to a deeper issue that I didn't realize was there, and still can't identify. But I must identify.
There is always more work to be done, but the end to this might just be in sight. Finally.
Has anyone else had a similar experience with sudden emotion that made no sense?
There is always more work to be done, but the end to this might just be in sight. Finally.
Has anyone else had a similar experience with sudden emotion that made no sense?
Friday, October 22, 2010
Pumpkin carving
I'm not a huge pumpkin carver. Or a celebrator of anything Halloween related, really. This holiday honestly creeps me out. Coffins, spiders, witches, and other equally gross things adorn peoples houses for an entire month. Yuck. No thank you. Not at my house. It just makes no sense to me.
I grew up in a home that didn't believe in trick or treating. I've never been (and I don't feel like I missed out on anything either). We celebrated non-scary costumes at a church harvest party instead. And we didn't hand out candy to trick-or-treaters either.
Perhaps this is why this holiday is such a non-event in my mind. What is there to really celebrate? Demons, witches, and scaring little children? Sounds incredibly uplifting...
Regardless, autumn brings with it some pretty cool looking things. Pumpkins, gourdes, Indian corn, etc... And I found a recipe for pumpkin seeds that I was just itching to try. So I bought a pumpkin, which is totally unlike me. And then I figured if I had the pumpkin and was scooping out the innards for the seeds, I might as well carve something on the front. So Megan and I had a pumpkin carving party. I chose the letter "m" for mine. I of course realized after we lit the pumpkins that mine actually looks like an m&m. Guess I've got sugar on my brain...
Despite the disgusting factor of pumpkin guts all over my hands, it was actually sort of fun.
Look at me being all autumn festive-y.
I grew up in a home that didn't believe in trick or treating. I've never been (and I don't feel like I missed out on anything either). We celebrated non-scary costumes at a church harvest party instead. And we didn't hand out candy to trick-or-treaters either.Perhaps this is why this holiday is such a non-event in my mind. What is there to really celebrate? Demons, witches, and scaring little children? Sounds incredibly uplifting...
Regardless, autumn brings with it some pretty cool looking things. Pumpkins, gourdes, Indian corn, etc... And I found a recipe for pumpkin seeds that I was just itching to try. So I bought a pumpkin, which is totally unlike me. And then I figured if I had the pumpkin and was scooping out the innards for the seeds, I might as well carve something on the front. So Megan and I had a pumpkin carving party. I chose the letter "m" for mine. I of course realized after we lit the pumpkins that mine actually looks like an m&m. Guess I've got sugar on my brain... 
Despite the disgusting factor of pumpkin guts all over my hands, it was actually sort of fun.
Look at me being all autumn festive-y.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Toasted Pumpkin Seeds with Sugar and Spice
Thanks to my friend Heather (and allrecipies.com) for this fantastic pumpkin seed recipe idea. The idea of pumpkin seeds with sugar on them was just too much for me. I decided I had to make these.
The only logical way to get pumpkin seeds (in my head), was to buy a pumpkin. And it seemed silly to buy a pumpkin, carve out the innards and then just leave it. So I guess I will actually be carving a pumpkin this year as well. Sort of like killing two birds with one stone, I guess. I just need to remember to toss the thing out before it's a pile of mush on my porch.
Toasted Pumpkin Seeds with Sugar and Spice
Ingredients (serves 4)
The only logical way to get pumpkin seeds (in my head), was to buy a pumpkin. And it seemed silly to buy a pumpkin, carve out the innards and then just leave it. So I guess I will actually be carving a pumpkin this year as well. Sort of like killing two birds with one stone, I guess. I just need to remember to toss the thing out before it's a pile of mush on my porch.
Toasted Pumpkin Seeds with Sugar and Spice
Ingredients (serves 4)
- 1 cup raw pumpkin seeds, rinsed and dried
- 6 tablespoons white sugar, divided
- 1/4 teaspoon salt
- 1/2 teaspoon pumpkin pie spice
- 1 tablespoon vegetable oil
Directions
- Preheat the oven to 250 degrees F (120 degrees C). Spread pumpkin seeds in a single layer on a baking sheet. Toast for 45 minutes, stirring occasionally, until dry and toasted. Larger seeds may take longer. (Heather's note: let the seeds dry overnight if you are removing them right away from the pumpkins, or do whatever you can so that they are as dry as possible. I didn't do this last time and they took about an hour and 15 minutes to fully toast.)
- In a large bowl, stir together 2 tablespoons of white sugar, salt, and pumpkin pie spice. Set aside. Heat the oil in a large skillet over medium-high heat. Add the pumpkin seeds and sprinkle the remaining sugar over them. Stir with a wooden spoon until the sugar melts, about 45 seconds. Pour seeds into the bowl with the spiced sugar and stir until coated. Allow to cool before serving. Store in an airtight container at room temperature.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Certainty
I'm a firm believe in the idea that 'all things happen for a reason' and that there are lessons to learn from every experience.
Lately, my life seems to be characterized by experiences and situations that, given the chance, I would not naturally pick for myself. Buying a house alone, running a marathon, working with high school students...
Yet, as I allow God to shape me into the person that only He can see, He continually brings life experiences that initially leave me apprehensive and curious. Situations and experiences that, once I dive in, bring a strong sense of inspiration and peace. A curious peace that settles around my tightened grip on life as I see it, and eventually loosens that grip, finger by finger, until I open my eyes and wonder exactly how I got to this place of certainty in an experience that terrifies me.
My newest "challenge" is high school students. Amidst a very-early morning run while training for my marathon, an epiphany of sorts struck me. The incredibly clear call I'd heard months prior, to mentor (and to be mentored), needed action. And that action was delving into the youth group at church. Not a delusion, despite the fact that I was at mile 12, but a clear call to step out of my comfort zone yet again. I know these calls by the vibrant inspiration that accompanies them--they are scary and unique and mind-altering, but they always come with a sense of certainty. So I took a deep breath, let the inspiration wash over me, and opened my mind to the possibilities.
I'm several weeks into this journey already, and it's a challenge. It stretches me in ways I'd rather not be stretched, and asks me to grow in areas I've known needed help, but didn't feel like putting the effort into. It's not what I would have chosen. This age group terrifies me sometimes. But I know, without a doubt, that I am exactly where I should be right now. Doing exactly what God has called me to do. And the growing and stretching are all part of the process-- fun or not. God knew I had it in me; sometimes it just takes a while for me to believe likewise.
As I meet and interact with more students, I become more comfortable. I also become more aware. Of my actions, my words, my relationship with God. New truths are becoming evident, and for the first time (that I've been consciously aware of) I have a concrete avenue to influence others. The reality is a little heady. Staying stagnant does a disservice to more than just me now. It's definitely a lot to think about...
Leadership is one of my most underused gifts. I've become complacent letting others lead. Following is a whole lot easier than leading, for sure. There are a lot fewer chances to fail too. But, I asked God last year to provide opportunities for me to grow in this area, and this is Him following through. It's time to step up to the challenge before me and use the gifts I have been given to glorify God. That's really what this life is all about, right?
Lately, my life seems to be characterized by experiences and situations that, given the chance, I would not naturally pick for myself. Buying a house alone, running a marathon, working with high school students...
Yet, as I allow God to shape me into the person that only He can see, He continually brings life experiences that initially leave me apprehensive and curious. Situations and experiences that, once I dive in, bring a strong sense of inspiration and peace. A curious peace that settles around my tightened grip on life as I see it, and eventually loosens that grip, finger by finger, until I open my eyes and wonder exactly how I got to this place of certainty in an experience that terrifies me.
My newest "challenge" is high school students. Amidst a very-early morning run while training for my marathon, an epiphany of sorts struck me. The incredibly clear call I'd heard months prior, to mentor (and to be mentored), needed action. And that action was delving into the youth group at church. Not a delusion, despite the fact that I was at mile 12, but a clear call to step out of my comfort zone yet again. I know these calls by the vibrant inspiration that accompanies them--they are scary and unique and mind-altering, but they always come with a sense of certainty. So I took a deep breath, let the inspiration wash over me, and opened my mind to the possibilities.
I'm several weeks into this journey already, and it's a challenge. It stretches me in ways I'd rather not be stretched, and asks me to grow in areas I've known needed help, but didn't feel like putting the effort into. It's not what I would have chosen. This age group terrifies me sometimes. But I know, without a doubt, that I am exactly where I should be right now. Doing exactly what God has called me to do. And the growing and stretching are all part of the process-- fun or not. God knew I had it in me; sometimes it just takes a while for me to believe likewise.
As I meet and interact with more students, I become more comfortable. I also become more aware. Of my actions, my words, my relationship with God. New truths are becoming evident, and for the first time (that I've been consciously aware of) I have a concrete avenue to influence others. The reality is a little heady. Staying stagnant does a disservice to more than just me now. It's definitely a lot to think about...
Leadership is one of my most underused gifts. I've become complacent letting others lead. Following is a whole lot easier than leading, for sure. There are a lot fewer chances to fail too. But, I asked God last year to provide opportunities for me to grow in this area, and this is Him following through. It's time to step up to the challenge before me and use the gifts I have been given to glorify God. That's really what this life is all about, right?
Monday, October 18, 2010
So tired
I'm tired.
And not just in the physical sense. I'm emotionally, mentally, and spiritually drained as well. I haven't quite figured out the "re-fill" process, and consequently I seem to move through life in somewhat of a fog. Fingers gripping the edge so tightly that they're turning white, but still slipping off regardless. And I'm incredibly afraid of falling. Failing. Forgetting.
So I schedule some more. My world is nothing without an electronic account of all that I do throughout the days. I would quite literally be lost without my day planner. I can't remember things on my own. I don't trust myself to anymore.
I wonder when I'll feel like I'm actually standing steady. Not clinging to whatever I can find, lest I topple over.
And then I go out looking to prove my worst assumption. And when I find it, disappointment and sadness cloud everything. Raw tears run down my face. I just can't read any more depressing news. I don't have the strength right now. My life already seems to be tilted at a precarious angle; one more thing might just tip me over.
I need rest. Relief. Restoration.
My message from God yesterday morning was patience and joy through hardships. And while it instilled some hope into a morning when I felt like I had completely failed, it's hard to grasp onto. I just feel so tired. Too tired almost to be able to figure out how to find that joy. And too clouded to actually see it.
But somehow I must find it. Time to make Sabbath a bigger priority.
And not just in the physical sense. I'm emotionally, mentally, and spiritually drained as well. I haven't quite figured out the "re-fill" process, and consequently I seem to move through life in somewhat of a fog. Fingers gripping the edge so tightly that they're turning white, but still slipping off regardless. And I'm incredibly afraid of falling. Failing. Forgetting.
So I schedule some more. My world is nothing without an electronic account of all that I do throughout the days. I would quite literally be lost without my day planner. I can't remember things on my own. I don't trust myself to anymore.
I wonder when I'll feel like I'm actually standing steady. Not clinging to whatever I can find, lest I topple over.
And then I go out looking to prove my worst assumption. And when I find it, disappointment and sadness cloud everything. Raw tears run down my face. I just can't read any more depressing news. I don't have the strength right now. My life already seems to be tilted at a precarious angle; one more thing might just tip me over.
I need rest. Relief. Restoration.
My message from God yesterday morning was patience and joy through hardships. And while it instilled some hope into a morning when I felt like I had completely failed, it's hard to grasp onto. I just feel so tired. Too tired almost to be able to figure out how to find that joy. And too clouded to actually see it.
But somehow I must find it. Time to make Sabbath a bigger priority.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Snapshots from my marathon.
It's weird to think that my marathon is behind me. I spent an entire year planning, preparing, and training for it, and now it's over. I wondered if it would feel like Christmas afternoon does to little kids--somewhat of a let down--but it doesn't. Regardless, running and I are not parting ways, but long-distance running and I are definitely on a hiatus for the present.
Here are some snapshots from my marathon:
-It poured down rain from before 7am until I hit about mile 18. I attempted the whole "trash bag" make-shift coat, but that came off around mile 3 and I just ran the rest of the marathon soaking wet. P.S. Soaking wet shoes and water squishing between my toes (in my shoes) are two of my least favorite things...
-I hit my wall at mile 14. Much earlier than I anticipated. And for much longer too--I didn't get another jump start of motivation until near mile 20. Of course it was right before my left knee started hurting.
-At mile 19.5 my left knee started hurting. Not the dull pain that you can run through--I'd already been dealing with screaming muscles most of the way--but the pain that comes from muscle imbalances and knee caps rubbing there they shouldn't be. Ouch. I don't know why it's embarrassing to admit, but I had to walk the last 6 miles of the race. Running was literally too painful to bear. Walking was painful too, but the lesser of the two. I did however run the last .2 miles to the finish, my left knee clicking as I crossed the finish.
-My time was 6:03:04. And despite my repeated answer of "I don't have a goal, I just want to finish", I was disappointed with my time. My knee injury and the forced walking lost me a lot of time. I'm glad I didn't set any specific time goals for myself, but needing 6 hours to finish did bruise my ego a little bit.
-At several points in the race all I wanted was to see my family on the sidelines. They did meet up with me around mile 21, and seeing them was an overwhelming encouragement. Brad, who had been supporting Bob (his wife's dad who was also running) for the first part, biked and met me every mile from 21 to the finish. The level of encouragement I got from my family was/is more than I can express in words. Let's just say that there were numerous tears shed on that course.
I learned a lot of things during my training and during the race itself. One of the most notable is if you want a mental, emotional, and physical challenge, train for and run a marathon. It will kick your butt. Guaranteed. That and the time commitment for a marathon is huge, and not really something you realize when you start your training.
When people talk to me about the marathon they always seem to phrase it in a way that suggests future marathons I will run. This fact has not yet been decided. Although I imagine it wouldn't be difficult to beat my current time... All I know is that for right now I'm done training for long-distances. I might just be more of a "half-marathon or less" kind of runner, but I'm not ruling out the possibility of a repeat of my marathon, just being a realist. I'm determined to get back to the place where I enjoy running and choose to run. Not the "I have to run ___ miles today or I throw my training off schedule" mindset.
For now I'm going to revel in the fact that I've actually completed a marathon. It's an impressive feat. I'm definitely proud of myself for that.
Here are some snapshots from my marathon:
-It poured down rain from before 7am until I hit about mile 18. I attempted the whole "trash bag" make-shift coat, but that came off around mile 3 and I just ran the rest of the marathon soaking wet. P.S. Soaking wet shoes and water squishing between my toes (in my shoes) are two of my least favorite things...-I hit my wall at mile 14. Much earlier than I anticipated. And for much longer too--I didn't get another jump start of motivation until near mile 20. Of course it was right before my left knee started hurting.
-At mile 19.5 my left knee started hurting. Not the dull pain that you can run through--I'd already been dealing with screaming muscles most of the way--but the pain that comes from muscle imbalances and knee caps rubbing there they shouldn't be. Ouch. I don't know why it's embarrassing to admit, but I had to walk the last 6 miles of the race. Running was literally too painful to bear. Walking was painful too, but the lesser of the two. I did however run the last .2 miles to the finish, my left knee clicking as I crossed the finish.
-My time was 6:03:04. And despite my repeated answer of "I don't have a goal, I just want to finish", I was disappointed with my time. My knee injury and the forced walking lost me a lot of time. I'm glad I didn't set any specific time goals for myself, but needing 6 hours to finish did bruise my ego a little bit.
-At several points in the race all I wanted was to see my family on the sidelines. They did meet up with me around mile 21, and seeing them was an overwhelming encouragement. Brad, who had been supporting Bob (his wife's dad who was also running) for the first part, biked and met me every mile from 21 to the finish. The level of encouragement I got from my family was/is more than I can express in words. Let's just say that there were numerous tears shed on that course.I learned a lot of things during my training and during the race itself. One of the most notable is if you want a mental, emotional, and physical challenge, train for and run a marathon. It will kick your butt. Guaranteed. That and the time commitment for a marathon is huge, and not really something you realize when you start your training.
When people talk to me about the marathon they always seem to phrase it in a way that suggests future marathons I will run. This fact has not yet been decided. Although I imagine it wouldn't be difficult to beat my current time... All I know is that for right now I'm done training for long-distances. I might just be more of a "half-marathon or less" kind of runner, but I'm not ruling out the possibility of a repeat of my marathon, just being a realist. I'm determined to get back to the place where I enjoy running and choose to run. Not the "I have to run ___ miles today or I throw my training off schedule" mindset.
For now I'm going to revel in the fact that I've actually completed a marathon. It's an impressive feat. I'm definitely proud of myself for that.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Running and my immune system
I've developed a cold.
Frustrating, mostly because the marathon that I have been training for all year is this Sunday. Of course it had to happen that way, that's really just my luck. I'm not a germ-a-phobe, in fact I'm generally the opposite, and I'm convinced that for that reason (and probably others), I don't get sick very often. Which is probably why this inconvenient illness is so irritating.
So I do what I always do when I start to wonder about something. I google search it. And what do you know. Perhaps this cold thing really isn't my fault after all.
Per the blog: Sir Jog A Lot (and don't think that I didn't continue searching on this topic to authenticate his claims)
Frustrating, mostly because the marathon that I have been training for all year is this Sunday. Of course it had to happen that way, that's really just my luck. I'm not a germ-a-phobe, in fact I'm generally the opposite, and I'm convinced that for that reason (and probably others), I don't get sick very often. Which is probably why this inconvenient illness is so irritating.
So I do what I always do when I start to wonder about something. I google search it. And what do you know. Perhaps this cold thing really isn't my fault after all.
Per the blog: Sir Jog A Lot (and don't think that I didn't continue searching on this topic to authenticate his claims)
"Apparently, the volume of runners that pull out of the marathon due to illness is quite high. Here’s a fact that’ll put a smile on couch potatoes across the land. Endurance training causes a rise in the hormone cortisol which causes stress. This stress can affect the immune system, which can make you more susceptible to infection! The key difference is the volume of exercise. Running for anything longer than 90 minutes causes blood sugar levels to drop to a level where this hormone is more prevalent. Marathon runners exceed this regularly in training and as a result, towards the end of their training, many marathoners pick up a cold."
Totally justified. Still sick, but feeling better about it.
Not encouraged about post-race illness susceptibility, but if I'm already sick than how bad can it be?
Not encouraged about post-race illness susceptibility, but if I'm already sick than how bad can it be?
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Confused desire
An interesting thought from Walking With God by John Eldredge that I read today. It made me wonder...
"Something I read years ago by C.S. Lewis in The Weight of Glory has proven helpful to me time and time again, and may rescue us in the very moment of awakened desire I am describing. Lewis is trying to show us that what God uses to awaken desire is not necessarily what we long for. The things 'in which we thought the beauty was located will betray us if we trust to them; it was not in them, it only came through them, and what came through them was longing. These things... are good images of what we desire; but if they are mistaken for the thing itself, they turn into dumb idols, breaking the hearts of their worshipers. For they are not the thing itself.' They are not what we are longing for. It is not that specific man or woman we desire, but what they point to, what is coming through them. They are a picture of what we long for."
"Something I read years ago by C.S. Lewis in The Weight of Glory has proven helpful to me time and time again, and may rescue us in the very moment of awakened desire I am describing. Lewis is trying to show us that what God uses to awaken desire is not necessarily what we long for. The things 'in which we thought the beauty was located will betray us if we trust to them; it was not in them, it only came through them, and what came through them was longing. These things... are good images of what we desire; but if they are mistaken for the thing itself, they turn into dumb idols, breaking the hearts of their worshipers. For they are not the thing itself.' They are not what we are longing for. It is not that specific man or woman we desire, but what they point to, what is coming through them. They are a picture of what we long for."
Thursday, September 30, 2010
"Things I do" vs. "Things I don't do"
I have recently been inspired to make a couple lists. The first, of things that are important to me, things that I enjoy doing and choose to do (aside from the basic and routine). And the second list is of things that I, quite simply, don't do.
These lists empower me in three different ways:
1. I know what's important to me,
2. I alleviate the guilt over never quite achieving the same standards of perfection in things I'm not particularly good at or dislike doing, and
3. I'm allowed the freedom of time to complete the things on my "things I do" list because I am not burdened with the things on my "things I don't do" list.
I can't do everything or be great at everything. In order to stave off unnecessary guilt and perceived responsibility, I have these lists to remind me what's important and what's not. The "things I don't do" list sets me free from a "do everything better" kind of mindset that envelopes our culture.
I'm openly admitting defeat in several areas and accepting that fact. And I'm breaking down the social stigma that says that I need to be all things to all people. These are the things I do and don't do.
Things I do:
Invest in people - I think people are fantastic, and I want to spend as much of my time with fantastic people as possible. I learned that diversity in friendships, and life, is a blessing and a necessity. I'm purposeful about my friendships and the people I spend my time with, but people are indeed what I choose to spend my time on. Sometimes I get to the point where there are too many people that I want to see and not enough hours in the week to do it all. Weeks full of rich conversations with great people are amazing. The amount of encouragement, motivation, and inspiration I get from people makes all the running around and being busy all week worth it.
Read good books - I am a book nerd. I've been reading since my mom took my brother and I to the public library at age three. Words are powerful. Impacting phrases stay with me long after, sustaining a lingering desire to push farther and analyze deeper. Books are also where I meet good friends and journey with them through stories. Fiction series are usually my favorite, but right now I'm working through some great Christian non-fiction. Needless to say, books are essential. I will always read. My children will read. Books are just that amazing.
Take naps - I was the three year old who literally had to be weaned off naps to go to all-day school. I'm a napper, when allowed. I lived in Mexico for three months and I fell in love with the siesta. A big meal and then a mid-day nap? Sign me up!
Blog/journal - I enjoy writing immensely, and I've never found a better way to process through tough information, cry through a sad situation, or yell through my frustrations than through writing. It's a freeing exercise that centers me again and again, but it also allows me to be 100% real with zero fear of nonacceptance. Words are an indelible part of what makes me who I am. And just for clarification. I reserve the right to use phrases like "dude" and "yo" in the same sentence as vociferous or penultimate. Because that's who I am, and because finding just the right word for the situation is like adding whipped cream to the top of a sundae. In fact, it might actually be better.
Volunteer - This pours out of my passions for Salem/Keizer and community outreach in general. There is always something that can be done. Time is limited, obviously, but there are ways to engage and give back. I spend time doing this because I think it's important, not because I think I have to. Volunteering allows me to appreciate, in a deeper way, some of the many blessings I have in my life. Salem-Keizer has made leaps and bounds in the right direction, but there are still hurting, hungry people just waiting for someone to reach out.
Take pictures (of what I want) - I'm no good at snapping random candids on a trip with friends or capturing great moments at a wedding, but I can have a lot of fun with art and nature when I have my camera. After many years of thinking I just wasn't creative, I finally found where my creativity lies. And moments when I allow myself to slip into my art and take pictures of things that capture my eye are beautiful and totally worth it.
Sabbath - I think honoring a Sabbath is not only important, but essential to a healthy Christian life. And thank goodness I feel that way because without a Sabbath I think I would have melt-downs every other day. Sometimes I slip up, but it's the idea that is important. God knew we needed a day of rest, that's why He gave us one. I'm determined to take advantage of it. A guilt-free day to rest in God and allow myself to be emotionally, spiritually, and physically refilled.
Quiet time - My relationship with God is supreme above all else, and my relationship exists because I spend regular time just being with Him. He's the only friend who asks for nothing more than my time and my love, and since making arrangements with God on times to meet up isn't necessary, we can chat even more frequently; in the car, while I'm cooking dinner, or even when I'm waiting in line. What is a relationship if you don't develop and cultivate it?
Eat what I want - I don't do diets. I exercise (a little excessively right now because of the marathon) and I enjoy eating healthy foods like fruits and vegetables, but I eat what I want when I want in moderation. And I don't obsess about my weight. There are bigger issues to worry about.
Things I don't do:
Landscape/garden - I'm not a gardener. I've never been a gardener. I'll most likely never become a gardener. I can mow the grass and pick a few weeds, but please please please don't ask me to plant stuff and keep it alive. To me, gardening is like exterior decorating, and since my interior decorating skills are minimal, I'm just not going to worry about it.
Cook lavish meals/desserts - I've watched my fair share of the food network, seen some of the cooks come up with some elaborate meals, and wished for a second that I could do that. Then I come back to reality and remember that I'm me, and not on the food network for a reason. Macaroni and cheese, pizza, hot dogs, and frozen meals in a bag/box are wholly acceptable dinners. I'm much better with baking, but mostly because the recipe tells you exactly how much of everything to use. Experimenting with a little bit of this and a dash of that, like how my talented brother cooks, is not how I do things. I like recipes with detailed directions and exact lists of ingredients. I'm certain I could make almost anything with a good recipe, but if you tell me to just create something with what I have, you will most likely get a blank stare or a look of fear.
Change decorations based on season - Decorating is not my flair. I just bought a house and it's, not surprisingly, overwhelming to think about all the decorations that will be needed. I can appreciate cute decorations and trinkets in other peoples houses and I think they look great, but collecting even just one set for my house is all I have the patience for. This means that having second and third sets of decorations that match the theme of the season is out. I'll get a Christmas tree in December, but that's it.
Deep clean my house - I hate to admit this, but I will anyway. I have no problem with cleaning when something really needs cleaning, but my "acceptable" level lasts for a long time. I frequently wear clothes a good number of times, or use dishes/silverware several times before I even think about washing them. And dust bunnies have to literally attack me before I realize that I haven't swept or vacuumed in a while. As long as it looks clean, I'm happy.
Try to keep up with all good TV shows - I tried this for a while, so that I would have things to talk about with co-workers and friends on Facebook, but I don't have the time and honestly, I can live without them. I'll follow one, maybe two shows a year. And it is watched almost entirely online several days later.
Paint my nails - This one puzzles most girls, but I don't even care. I don't like painting my nails, I think it's silly. I think they look just fine without. And don't even get me started on professional manicures and acrylic nails... **shudder**
Make frequent phone calls - I am awful at the phone. Texting I can do. Facebook I'm good at. Having long phone conversations with people (even those I really like) is sometimes akin to having teeth pulled. No offense, but I prefer to talk in person. This is the exact reason that I sent 3,000 texts last month and used less than 100 of my cell phone minutes.
Wake up early - I'm not a morning person. I'm not grumpy or caffeine deprived, I'm just exhausted. Chronic problems with sleeping is the root of the issue, but since I can't figure out how to fix those, I'm just always tired. Especially in the morning. So many people have these great devotional times in the morning, watching the sun rise and drinking a cup of coffee while reading their Bible. All I can think about is sleeping, which sort of ruins the whole mood. So becoming one of those people who wakes up early to run, or do their devo, or get a bunch of things done is a no-go. I accept my late-afternoon/early-evening self as I am.
Buying meaningful gifts - Gifts are the bane of my existence. It's not one of my love languages. I honestly prefer not to get gifts because I am no good at feigning a love for something I'll never use. So buying gifts for people turns into an all-year event. I'll literally list all the people I need to get something for after New Years, and capture great gift ideas throughout the year. I'll purchase all the gifts on my list at least two weeks before Christmas and be done. If I don't do this I spend the entire month of December freaking out about acceptable gifts that people will 1. use, and 2. like. For this reason I do gifts only at Christmas and occasionally for birthdays. It's just too stressful otherwise.
Go to bars - I dislike bars. I'm not a huge fan of alcohol just in general. Being oogled and hit on by drunk guys isn't fun. Watching drunk people do silly things, much more entertaining, but still not enough to make going to bars worth it. I refuse to feel guilty for telling friends I don't want to go to a bar to meet up with them. There are plenty of other alternatives.
Wear makeup every day - I'll be honest, eye makeup in a pain. Sure it looks cool, but putting it on and taking it off is a chore. I only wear it when I'm meeting people, determined to look professional, or am truly bored and have too much free time on my hands. I hate the social stigma that says that a woman is only beautiful is she spends an hour looking "perfect".
Keep up on the news - Today is yet another example of my utter lack of information. Ecuador had a coup and Jamie Lee Curtis' dad died. I have no idea what is going on in the world, or even just here in the United States. I think that makes me a terrible Political Science graduate, but who has the time?
These lists empower me in three different ways:
1. I know what's important to me,
2. I alleviate the guilt over never quite achieving the same standards of perfection in things I'm not particularly good at or dislike doing, and
3. I'm allowed the freedom of time to complete the things on my "things I do" list because I am not burdened with the things on my "things I don't do" list.
I can't do everything or be great at everything. In order to stave off unnecessary guilt and perceived responsibility, I have these lists to remind me what's important and what's not. The "things I don't do" list sets me free from a "do everything better" kind of mindset that envelopes our culture.
I'm openly admitting defeat in several areas and accepting that fact. And I'm breaking down the social stigma that says that I need to be all things to all people. These are the things I do and don't do.
Invest in people - I think people are fantastic, and I want to spend as much of my time with fantastic people as possible. I learned that diversity in friendships, and life, is a blessing and a necessity. I'm purposeful about my friendships and the people I spend my time with, but people are indeed what I choose to spend my time on. Sometimes I get to the point where there are too many people that I want to see and not enough hours in the week to do it all. Weeks full of rich conversations with great people are amazing. The amount of encouragement, motivation, and inspiration I get from people makes all the running around and being busy all week worth it.
Read good books - I am a book nerd. I've been reading since my mom took my brother and I to the public library at age three. Words are powerful. Impacting phrases stay with me long after, sustaining a lingering desire to push farther and analyze deeper. Books are also where I meet good friends and journey with them through stories. Fiction series are usually my favorite, but right now I'm working through some great Christian non-fiction. Needless to say, books are essential. I will always read. My children will read. Books are just that amazing.
Take naps - I was the three year old who literally had to be weaned off naps to go to all-day school. I'm a napper, when allowed. I lived in Mexico for three months and I fell in love with the siesta. A big meal and then a mid-day nap? Sign me up!
Blog/journal - I enjoy writing immensely, and I've never found a better way to process through tough information, cry through a sad situation, or yell through my frustrations than through writing. It's a freeing exercise that centers me again and again, but it also allows me to be 100% real with zero fear of nonacceptance. Words are an indelible part of what makes me who I am. And just for clarification. I reserve the right to use phrases like "dude" and "yo" in the same sentence as vociferous or penultimate. Because that's who I am, and because finding just the right word for the situation is like adding whipped cream to the top of a sundae. In fact, it might actually be better.
Volunteer - This pours out of my passions for Salem/Keizer and community outreach in general. There is always something that can be done. Time is limited, obviously, but there are ways to engage and give back. I spend time doing this because I think it's important, not because I think I have to. Volunteering allows me to appreciate, in a deeper way, some of the many blessings I have in my life. Salem-Keizer has made leaps and bounds in the right direction, but there are still hurting, hungry people just waiting for someone to reach out.
Take pictures (of what I want) - I'm no good at snapping random candids on a trip with friends or capturing great moments at a wedding, but I can have a lot of fun with art and nature when I have my camera. After many years of thinking I just wasn't creative, I finally found where my creativity lies. And moments when I allow myself to slip into my art and take pictures of things that capture my eye are beautiful and totally worth it.
Sabbath - I think honoring a Sabbath is not only important, but essential to a healthy Christian life. And thank goodness I feel that way because without a Sabbath I think I would have melt-downs every other day. Sometimes I slip up, but it's the idea that is important. God knew we needed a day of rest, that's why He gave us one. I'm determined to take advantage of it. A guilt-free day to rest in God and allow myself to be emotionally, spiritually, and physically refilled.
Quiet time - My relationship with God is supreme above all else, and my relationship exists because I spend regular time just being with Him. He's the only friend who asks for nothing more than my time and my love, and since making arrangements with God on times to meet up isn't necessary, we can chat even more frequently; in the car, while I'm cooking dinner, or even when I'm waiting in line. What is a relationship if you don't develop and cultivate it?
Eat what I want - I don't do diets. I exercise (a little excessively right now because of the marathon) and I enjoy eating healthy foods like fruits and vegetables, but I eat what I want when I want in moderation. And I don't obsess about my weight. There are bigger issues to worry about.
Landscape/garden - I'm not a gardener. I've never been a gardener. I'll most likely never become a gardener. I can mow the grass and pick a few weeds, but please please please don't ask me to plant stuff and keep it alive. To me, gardening is like exterior decorating, and since my interior decorating skills are minimal, I'm just not going to worry about it.
Cook lavish meals/desserts - I've watched my fair share of the food network, seen some of the cooks come up with some elaborate meals, and wished for a second that I could do that. Then I come back to reality and remember that I'm me, and not on the food network for a reason. Macaroni and cheese, pizza, hot dogs, and frozen meals in a bag/box are wholly acceptable dinners. I'm much better with baking, but mostly because the recipe tells you exactly how much of everything to use. Experimenting with a little bit of this and a dash of that, like how my talented brother cooks, is not how I do things. I like recipes with detailed directions and exact lists of ingredients. I'm certain I could make almost anything with a good recipe, but if you tell me to just create something with what I have, you will most likely get a blank stare or a look of fear.
Change decorations based on season - Decorating is not my flair. I just bought a house and it's, not surprisingly, overwhelming to think about all the decorations that will be needed. I can appreciate cute decorations and trinkets in other peoples houses and I think they look great, but collecting even just one set for my house is all I have the patience for. This means that having second and third sets of decorations that match the theme of the season is out. I'll get a Christmas tree in December, but that's it.
Deep clean my house - I hate to admit this, but I will anyway. I have no problem with cleaning when something really needs cleaning, but my "acceptable" level lasts for a long time. I frequently wear clothes a good number of times, or use dishes/silverware several times before I even think about washing them. And dust bunnies have to literally attack me before I realize that I haven't swept or vacuumed in a while. As long as it looks clean, I'm happy.
Try to keep up with all good TV shows - I tried this for a while, so that I would have things to talk about with co-workers and friends on Facebook, but I don't have the time and honestly, I can live without them. I'll follow one, maybe two shows a year. And it is watched almost entirely online several days later.
Paint my nails - This one puzzles most girls, but I don't even care. I don't like painting my nails, I think it's silly. I think they look just fine without. And don't even get me started on professional manicures and acrylic nails... **shudder**
Make frequent phone calls - I am awful at the phone. Texting I can do. Facebook I'm good at. Having long phone conversations with people (even those I really like) is sometimes akin to having teeth pulled. No offense, but I prefer to talk in person. This is the exact reason that I sent 3,000 texts last month and used less than 100 of my cell phone minutes.
Wake up early - I'm not a morning person. I'm not grumpy or caffeine deprived, I'm just exhausted. Chronic problems with sleeping is the root of the issue, but since I can't figure out how to fix those, I'm just always tired. Especially in the morning. So many people have these great devotional times in the morning, watching the sun rise and drinking a cup of coffee while reading their Bible. All I can think about is sleeping, which sort of ruins the whole mood. So becoming one of those people who wakes up early to run, or do their devo, or get a bunch of things done is a no-go. I accept my late-afternoon/early-evening self as I am.
Buying meaningful gifts - Gifts are the bane of my existence. It's not one of my love languages. I honestly prefer not to get gifts because I am no good at feigning a love for something I'll never use. So buying gifts for people turns into an all-year event. I'll literally list all the people I need to get something for after New Years, and capture great gift ideas throughout the year. I'll purchase all the gifts on my list at least two weeks before Christmas and be done. If I don't do this I spend the entire month of December freaking out about acceptable gifts that people will 1. use, and 2. like. For this reason I do gifts only at Christmas and occasionally for birthdays. It's just too stressful otherwise.
Go to bars - I dislike bars. I'm not a huge fan of alcohol just in general. Being oogled and hit on by drunk guys isn't fun. Watching drunk people do silly things, much more entertaining, but still not enough to make going to bars worth it. I refuse to feel guilty for telling friends I don't want to go to a bar to meet up with them. There are plenty of other alternatives.
Wear makeup every day - I'll be honest, eye makeup in a pain. Sure it looks cool, but putting it on and taking it off is a chore. I only wear it when I'm meeting people, determined to look professional, or am truly bored and have too much free time on my hands. I hate the social stigma that says that a woman is only beautiful is she spends an hour looking "perfect".
Keep up on the news - Today is yet another example of my utter lack of information. Ecuador had a coup and Jamie Lee Curtis' dad died. I have no idea what is going on in the world, or even just here in the United States. I think that makes me a terrible Political Science graduate, but who has the time?
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