Continuing in the Desert

There was no sudden event.  Perhaps there was, but I didn't realize it at the time.  Sadly, I don't even know how long I've been here.

The Land Between.

The land where dreams lay unrealized.  Passions are left to be discovered.  Life loses its luster, and the difficulties of life seem overwhelming.

Last summer, I finally realized where I was.  God made it abundantly clear that I was stuck in the Land Between.  He showed me that I wasn't ready to move forward, I didn't trust enough--I wasn't ready for the "Promised Land".  I still had things to learn.

I accepted it with grit.  Happy to know where I was, but disappointed at the road ahead of me.  Work to be done.  My thoughts all seemed to center around the fact that I was in the middle of the desert.  Without a clear beginning or clear end I struggled.  I wanted to know when I could expect to depart from the desert.  That's not what God promises though.

As I'm reading through Jeff Manion's book The Land Between I'm finally seeing some of the similarities between myself and the Israelites.  "God's people", the ones he led out of Egyptian slavery and cared for in the desert.  The grumbling, complaining, un-trusting people group who we all have a tendency to roll our eyes at when we read about them.  How could they not see God's provision?  How could they not trust that God would lead them?  Great questions.  Great similarities.

I trust that God will lead me, I really do.  I also have a tendency to forget that all too often.  I get my mind completely wrapped around something that I think I deserve (food better than "manna"?) and when it doesn't actualize itself, I complain.  I'm positive that I could do it better myself.  I'm trapped in the slavery of mistrust.  God's saying "watch me, know me, and learn to trust me."  Yet I struggle.  I think I know better, but I really don't.

I'm in the Land Between, or as I wrote about it before, The Desert of Disappointment.

"The Land Between may provide our greatest opportunity for transformational growth, but it also provides an enormous opportunity for bitter resentments to flourish--for faith to shrivel."  Jeff points out that this is a pivotal place in our life.  We have the choice of which road we want to go down.  Transformational growth or bitter resentment.  Jeff also says "It is critical to recognize that (it's) not simply the hardship, but also our reaction to the hardship (that) is forming us."  This is a great reminder that our actions, as we deal with a painful situation, have the same power to change us as the original event did.  The road we take can be as transformational as the event that pointed us down that road.  The process starts right away.

Jeff talks about the Israelites and their penchant to complain.  As they continue to complain, they continue to give up their opportunity to trust God.   Complaining and trust don't coexist.  They're making a choice with God.  Their act of complaining sends the message to God that "we don't trust you to provide."  What's really interesting is that God attempts to teach them the same lesson over and over again.  Basic need being unmet + Israelites complain = God steps in.  God's looking for His children to trust Him, and they're not getting it.  So they must learn the same lesson over and over and over again.  And it's really easy for me to look down and see all of God's provisions for their lives and wonder how they could be so ungrateful and not willing to trust, but I do exactly the same thing today. 

This is their training ground.  This is the preparation time for the Israelites.  This is where God teaches them what they'll need to know once they get to His Promised Land.  They waste their growth opportunities with whining and complaining.  Wishing things were different and longing for the comfort of slavery.  In a sense, this is sort of their incubator.  This is where God wants them to grow up.

I wish I could say that I was out of the desert.  That I had figured things out and learned all those lessons I was supposed to get the first time around.  That I didn't frequently feel frustrated and whine because life didn't go the way I planned.

It's New Years Eve abd I'm at home alone.  No invites to any parties.  I'd spend the night hanging out with my parents, but they're not in town either.  So instead, I've sat here for the last hour and just feeling sorry for myself.  My fear that I don't really have any friends who care about me doesn't really hold much water.  How silly to even see that in print, yet it shocks me to my core regardless.  I don't trust that God is enough for me.  This is a prime example of me just not getting it.

Another lesson that God is all I need.  Another day in the desert.