Value & Worth

Wrapped around the topic of significance, I feel lost.

I've struggled for days to figure it out.  And then I realized that the issue is worth.  Value.

Not valued in the "we don't appreciate you" sense.  But in a, "what do I actually have to contribute?" kind of way.  Yet how can you be truly appreciated if you don't have anything to offer?

I struggle, daily, with feelings of inadequacy and unimportance.  I wonder if my opinion even matters.  Why would anyone at work listen to me?  Why would anyone read my blog?  Who really cares what I post on twitter?  When will my friends finally get tired of me and just leave?

I worry about perceptions.  A lot.  Personal judgment comes easily.  Too easily.  I orchestrate life just so, I make strategic impressions, I dress a certain way, and I hold myself according to the way I wish to be viewed.  Not a false view of myself.  I don't try to be someone I'm not, but I also don't frequently let the deep cracks show.  Only my closest friends see those.

I worry that people will see my insecurities and label me accordingly.  "Is she really ______ enough?"

Why does it matter, right?  It all seems to boil down to worth and value.  Feeling valued gives a certain boldness, a certainty of action.  When you feel like you have something of value to offer, you're able to look past the "judgment" of others to where you're headed.  There's a clarity of vision and purpose.  This is definitely where I want to be.

Yet too often my age, or my perceived age, automatically directs me to a "worth-less" pile.  I'm lied to.  I'm told that I have nothing to share, not enough maturity or wisdom to make the important decisions.  My opinion is asked for, but for all intents and purposes, it's just for show.  So I walk around wounded, feeling unheard and under-valued.  Living in a world that I can't seem to find my niche in.  My age pushes me forward and holds me back at the same time.  I don't know how to win.

My value in Christ is secure, but my earthly value is less stable.  I frequently feel young, inexperienced, naive, and small.  I'm tired of constantly feeling like I have to prove myself.  I'm ready for the boldness of action and steps forward.