Loss

A year and a half ago my world shifted.

My best friend dissolved our friendship completely out of the blue--by email.  She refused to talk about things.  She had no interest in working things out.  We'd been friends for a decade.

I was incredibly hurt.  To the tips of my toes I was altered because of that situation.  For better and for worse.  I constantly fear that people will grow tired of me and leave with little warning.  I also diversify and spread out my friendships.  Just like the idiom "don't put all your eggs in one basket".  I learned my lesson.  I now act accordingly.

And as a result, my friendships are healthier and I'm healthier.

Yet to this day, I'd do almost anything to reconstruct that broken friendship.  A year and a half later with almost no communication, and all she would need to do is call me.  I'm intensely loyal and not one to hold a grudge.

I'd worked through the pain months ago.  I had accepted the inevitable: a lost friendship forever.  It stung, but even that went away after a while.  I now have excellent friends who've hung around through the highs and the lows.  I don't actually "need" her like I used to.  I shut the door, and I was okay with it.

Now it seems that the door has cracked open.  Possibilities that didn't exist before this week presented themselves to me.  I have a couple ways I can deal with the situation.  I'm trying to balance the reminder of the hurt with the giddy jumping-up-and-down that's going on in my head.

The conundrum rages.  How far will the door actually open?  Where will this go?