Acceptance

Today feels strange.

An important date in a failed and unrecoverable friendship.

And a flashback to a year ago.  To an unattainable place of want.

So it looks like today is a lesson in acceptance.

Souce

Acceptance that the past is the past.
Acceptance that I'm healthier now than I was last year, or three years ago
Acceptance that all things happen for a reason

And acceptance that the future holds mysteries I can't fathom--trying to imagine them right now will probably just lead to disappointment.  To accept the mystery, and to let go of "wishing for what was" instead of "appreciating what is".

Control

I wish I could say that each day is sunshine and cupcakes.  Coated with a healthy layer of glitter and unicorns.  Not so.

Source

Life doesn't feel, metaphorically speaking, like a desert, or a season of winter, or anything like that.  Life just feels..... hard.  It's safe to say that 99% of my mornings (that aren't weekends) are greeted with the "I absolutely, positively do NOT want to get up today".  But I do.  Mostly because I have to.

It's a season of not feeling valued or heard and constantly feel inadequate.  I struggle to be in that place.  I struggle to stay quiet and let the lessons of patience and humbleness roll over me.  I constantly feel constrained by my age and my gender when I choose to speak up.  I wonder, frequently, if I'm any good at my job--even though I've been here for two years now.  I'm so far away from "I love what I do" that I'm now in a "I know I'm supposed to be here right now, but I hate it" place.  Each day is a battle not to cry.  Not to break down.  Not to lash out and throw glass objects haphazardly around the room in frustration.

Source

So, in an effort to control my world (or just realign my sanity), I do "projects" (some of which can be seen HERE, HERE, HERE, and HERE).  In a manic, "you'd think I was crazy if you actually knew" kind of way.  I love my house, I love my projects (and take an absurd amount of pride in them), but they approach the line of "crazy" often.  They provide control though.  Something I'm able to do well.  A place where I'm able to succeed.  And some days, if I can't be successful at something then I really do break down. 

Probably the biggest theme here is "control".  Big surprise there, right?  But I'm not quite sure how to relinquish all control without my world spinning violently on its center.  I am assured, however, by the reminder that life changes can start small and grow.  I can't have the prayer life of Paul immediately, but I CAN pray for two minutes a day and let that habit grow through repetition.

So, for my daily reminder of the day, I look to the yellow index card I've had for more than four years.  The same one that I took for my study abroad program in Mexico, that I've taped on walls, and that I currently have attached to the bottom of my monitor screen at work.  It's something that I need to see everyday, and a calming reminder each and every time I read it.  Funny how familiar scripture can seep into your life and form a certain level of comfort over rocky and irritated places.  That's what Philippians 4:6-7 does for me.

Guilt

My life is punctuated with feelings of guilt. I'm not who, I perceive, someone needs ms to be. I feel guilty I let them down. I feel overwhelmed because I am contemplating skipping a monthly meeting I feel obligated to attend. Guilt. I don't even have to do something offending to feel guilty.

I was reminded today, by a good friend, that feeling that guilt is a choice by me. While I agree with this friend, I'm lost in the nuances of it. Should I feel guilty for actually missing the meeting? Or is that unnecessary as well?

Is guilt's only place meant for sinning against Christ? Specifically left at the base of the cross.

Just to know you and be loved is enough

"Just to know you and be loved is enough
God of heaven come down, heaven come down."
-Robbie Seay Band

I heard this song on the radio yesterday and it hit me.

Is knowing God and knowing that He loves me enough for me?  Or do I expect more?

I'm challenged to let this truth sink in today.  To let Jesus be enough.  No strings.

Home again

Sometimes I think I dream in the impossible. But for today, that's okay.

I thought I had lost a part of me a couple months back.  It sounds weird to say, but it emerged again yesterday; in a beautifully hopeful kind of way.  I couldn't explain it to you, but it felt like home again.  So happy to be back here.

I still don't know where I'm headed, but I'm learning to accept that.  I'm also, for the first time ever, appreciating the journey alone.

Funny how things work out.

Is it Friday yet?

There is something so luxurious about the idea of waking up, but curling right back up in bed to pour over a book.  Something magical about forgetting everything around you and falling into a completely different world full of people you "know" but who don't know you.  If only it were morning and I had that luxury.

There are a few things I would love to temporarily escape from presently.

One of them being the nice graffiti tagging done to the back of my shed.  According to my roommate (who has Mondays off), the police dropped by.  I officially have FIVE days to remove it.... or else?  I suppose there is a fine of some sort if I don't.  Since I don't typically hang out in the back alley (um, ever) it's sure nice the cops let me know and gave me such a reasonable time table to paint a 6x12' wall.  Dumb teenage kids with nothing better to do.

They should read more books.  Then they'd have less time to tag things.  AND I would have more time to read books.  Sounds like a win-win for all.

tough conversations

I suppose it's only fitting for tough conversations to be preceded with tough emotions.  My stomach feels like a sailor got hold of it and tied it up in knots.  I dread that conversation, but I know that the knots will not go away until it is had.  Trying to decide which is worse is a terrible decision. 

I tried really hard, but mostly I just feel like I failed.  And there is an undeniable frustration in why it had to be this way.  Why couldn't I fix it?  What was the problem?

Life seems a little surreal.

Somehow I drifted from where I was.

For good and for bad I guess.  I'm not who I was a year ago.  I'm not where I was a year ago.  And I'm still not sure how I feel about that.

There is safety in "same-ness", in the unchanging, daily routine.  Part of me feels like I somehow got off the path.  I'm not far, in fact, I can still see the path I want, but I'm stuck at the divide.

Either laziness or fear separates me from where I know I should be.