My Depth of Field

I haven't posted in a really long time.  A testament to the season of life I find myself in right now.

I'm still on my journey of "wholeness", which sometimes if I let it, can seem like a completely unattainable goal.  I don't think it's a surprise that Balance is the theme I keep coming back to-- it's a recurring theme, one I never really seem to master. 

Balance is really hard.  And I think the reason it's so hard rests in my mindset.

I'm a Destination person.  I thrive on goals, accomplishments, deadlines, and breakneck paces.  I tend to go full throttle and race to the end, see the completed project, enjoy the completion for exactly one second, and then fall straight to the floor in a state of sheer exhaustion.  The kind of exhaustion that requires more than twelve hours of sleep to recover from.  I'm a DO-er.  

And part of me (not so secretly) loves that fact.

I finish things. 

But a lot of times that also means that I miss 99.9% of the journey because I'm wholly focused on the finish line.  And I think that's where the root of my balance problem begins.

One of my favorite photography effects is Depth of Field.  A photograph with a clear focus, and blurry edges.  I love the artistry.  But perhaps I really just love the focus.  The control.  The ability to pick my subject and blur everything else.  I go to great lengths to craft pictures like this.  So it's no surprise that my life looks a lot the same.

I seek validation from completing projects.  Finishing things on time.  Being "responsible."  Isn't that the ideal after all?  And I've met people who marvel over my ability to finish things-- they ask me what my secrets are. 

I smile (inwardly), but how do you tell people that that (the validation of completion) is the motivation that propels me forward.  The ability to impress. 

And since that's the fuel that keeps me going, a "sprinting" pace of project completion is almost necessary.  Because validation is a tricky thing; it comes in spurts and then dries out.  And then you must run to the next thing-- certain you'll find more validation there.  So you continue the silly cycle until you can't move.  Or life doles out pain in other unexpected places.

And then you crumble.  Because the glue that kept everything together was the praise of others.  And you're too weary to even keep going. 

And if you're like me, that's where you land.  Thirsty and lost.  Battered and slightly broken.

Unable to balance.  Unable to shift your focus and correct the blur.  Unable to see any speed but "sprint."

You stare at the canyon in front of you.  Paralyzed by fear.   Because how to do you move forward when you know your motivation needs to change and your old habits won't get you there?

One tiny step at a time.  Or a giant leap.

One practical application.  One detail at a time.

That's the only place to start.

So today I'm working on embracing the journey.  The messy parts of the picture that I generally try to artistically blur out completely.  Because I'm learning that "wholeness" isn't about the finish line, it's more about the character-building journey along the way.