Day 36: Something that stresses you out.

I'm a planner.  Deep down.  Through and through.

I've always prided myself on how organized I've kept life.  Deadlines through school carefully managed and scheduled.  Specific plans detailed through even more detailed lists. 

I was not one of those people who forgot something important.  My brain just didn't operate on that wavelength.

Somewhere post-college I lost my edge--in a healthy way, I'm sure.  And I settled into a less rigid, yet still scheduled life.

You know how when you work with the same thing over and over again you sort of desensitize yourself to it?  That time away can make some things (that existed before) readily apparent?

Coming back from a short Spring Break vacation was slightly overwhelming in that regard.  I can't keep everything straight.  And it seems like such a big project to organize that I'm not even sure where to start.

Photo credit: Secrets to Ultimate Living Blog

It occurred to me this week that my life feels chaotically unorganized right now.  I almost missed a mortgage payment the other month.  I can't remember the last time I checked my car's oil or went to the dentist.  I can't keep track of most of the deadlines at work--so I constantly feel unprepared with not enough time to do it all.

I'm feeling stretched thin.  Struggling to keep it all together.

And I can't help but wonder, if an organized person like me feels like this, how do the rest of people do it??!

Day 35: Your first love.

If you want a truly honest answer, my first love was my daddy.

If you're looking for the cliche "first love" as in "what boy did I first love", then you're going to be waiting for a while.  I've liked lots of guys over the years.  And I've insisted that I loved some of them at the time.  But as I look back, I can see that it wasn't true, not because I was too young, but because I didn't fully understand what real love meant.  I imagine that the first guy that I will truly love (aside from family) will be the man I marry.

Love is huge.  Self sacrificial.  Honest.  Pure.  Caring.  Patient.  Not for the faint of heart.  Love is not a passive thing.

Day 34: A picture of an accomplishment.

In my (relatively) short life I feel like I have accomplished much.  It's a combination of being blessed with opportunities and motivated enough to see them through.

When you ask me what my biggest accomplishment is though, my marathon last Fall is the first thing that comes to mind.

I trained for a year.  Running 3-4 times a week, every week, for an entire year to keep in shape.  Plus a heightened training plan the last 3 months.  I spent hours each week, and then I spent hours on the weekends with my long runs (which, at times, took upward of 4-5 hours to complete).  I found an inner strength during the actual race--when I thought I had nothing left, but was able to tap into something deeper than myself.  And I succeeded.  I finished.  I hurt dearly after, but the sweetness of completion made it all worth it.

I learned a lot of things about myself, who I am, where I'm going, what I love to do.  I'm proud that I finished, and just crazy enough to run another one someday.

Responsibility

People crave responsibility because responsibility infers trust.  If you trust me, you'll most likely give me more responsibilities.  I don't know about you, but I long to be trusted.  And in turn, to prove worthy of that trust.  The words "don't worry, I trust you..." are powerful.

Even small responsibilities carry a different meaning than the regular.  You hold your head higher, you care more, you feel valued.  The stakes are higher too.

I have been entrusted with a group of Freshman girls that would blow you away.  They're wise, caring, compassionate, intelligent women who love the Lord with all their hearts.  I am beyond blessed to engage and grow with them during this season.  They're absolutely fabulous girls that I wouldn't trade for anything.

With bigger responsibilities come higher standards.  I'm not perfect, but I'm called to lead by example.  I am influential.  And I am continually challenged.  This season is sharpening me.  Once, twice, three times over the whetstone.  I value the responsibility; I can see its importance.  And the sweetness of being trusted with much washes over me.

I love where I'm at.  I love serving where I'm at.  I love my life.

Be Bold.

Sometimes I know exactly what I want to say and have absolutely no idea how to say it.  At the exact same time.

My journey to and from Mexico came to a close Saturday morning.  Rather abruptly.  Transitioning away from the"large-group mentality" I'd been forced into for the last week into a solitary existence was more difficult than I thought it would be.  After such a transformational week, all I wanted was more.  More time with unbelievable students and leaders, more growth, more freedom, more redemption, more service, more manual labor.  More of all the ingredients that filled me to overflowing and then poured out everywhere.  I'd even take more travel time in our tiny bus for the adventure to continue.

God's voice frequently asks me to do things I would otherwise probably not do.  In fact, that's usually how I know it's God.  When I'm asked to leap somewhere that makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable, God is usually trying to stretch me.  I'm getting better and better at just being obedient.  This week I was challenged to face some fears.  I felt a clear call to "be bold and not be afraid" on this trip.  The practicality of this challenge almost blew me away.  If I was asked to do something, regardless of personal preference, I would do it.

I got several opportunities. 

The first one included my first venture onto a roof.  In fact, I ended up spending more time working on the roof than working on the ground.  I laid shingles for days.  On my team's house, and then on the others team's houses.  Had I let my fear of falling off the roof keep me from climbing up anyway, I would never have had the opportunity to learn how to shingle the roof, and in turn, would never have had the opportunity to lead a team that helped shingle the other two houses once ours was done.  It was a huge blessing to be able to help the others.  It was a huge personal achievement to face this fear.  It was exhilarating to stand on the roof and see out over everything.

That's me in the teal shirt, walking around like a roofing pro.

My other broken fear is a little more personal.  At some point in Jr High, an out-loud prayer of mine was mocked by a peer.  From that point until now, fear and anxiety cloud all instances that require me to pray aloud.  Sometimes it was debilitating, sometimes I just felt ashamed that I couldn't do it.  I've been challenged to do a lot more of this recently, but the level of fear never changed.  So when I was spontaneously asked to pray to close a leader meeting one night, I took a big gulp and just jumped in (and actually surprised a fellow leader who knew of my fear and had never heard me pray aloud).  I was still nervous during it, but was proud of my accomplishment regardless.  A few days later, impromptu again, I was asked to bless breakfast for the large group.  Without missing a beat, I did it.  And for the first time in nearly 10 years, I prayed aloud without fear OR anxiety.  It was in that moment that I received freedom from the lie--that praying aloud has to be filled with anxiousness.  I still get anxious when I pray, but the difference now is that I can choose to reject that anxiety--the lie the Devil tries to get me to believe--because I know better.  I've tasted freedom.  I no longer have to live with the taste of sour grapes.

I'm a fearful person by nature, but what I didn't realize was the impact that my fear would have on me.  How they held me back.  How the simple act of stepping out and being bold freed me from unnecessary and somewhat silly fears.  How the week of being daring ushered in such transformational growth and healing in some pretty deep places.  And lastly, how blessed I would feel when my choice to obey coincided with God's plan and resulted in something even better than I could have imagined. 

God gave me a couple words only days before we left.  Guess what the first one was.  FREEDOM.

Blessed, blessed freedom--from the bondage of lies.

Day 33: What’s in your purse/wallet?

Here's a gander into all the lovely things I feel fit to carry around with me daily.

(Sorry for the terrible picture quality!) Obviously the necessities that I always end up kicking myself about if they're missing or empty: Aquaphor (good for almost anything--dry skin, chapped lips, healing blisters, etc.), Burts Bees chapstick (LOVE this stuff), a really old travel Aleve container (where I effectively stash tylenol, aleve, or any other kind of medication I might need), a tinted lip gloss, a small nail file, a tiny Altoids container (that I refill from larger tins periodically), elastic hair ties, bobby pins, other hair clips, safety pins (you seriously never know when you're going to need one of these), and my awful Best Western hotel nametag (that is one good for only one thing, otherwise I would have trashed it long ago: the magnet on the back keeps all the bobby pins, safety pins, and hairclips in one place, and easy to grab quickly).

Then of course you have my wallet (red), my checkbook, my car/house/work keys, some mint tea packets ('cause I'm picky about the teas I like), at least two pens, and my iPhone (not pictured, because I was using it for these pictures, naturally).

Inside my wallet is a much-too-large assortment of gift cards (probably at least 10), gift certificates, my library card (LOVE the public library!), cash (only sometimes and never more than a couple dollars), my debit/credit cards, my drivers license (thank goodness for good DMV pictures!), and an absurd amount of receipts (that I hold onto until I get a chance to copy them into my checkbook register).

Trilling, right?  I thought so.

Day 32: A picture of your house.

I love this house.  It's a huge challenge, but it's also a huge blessing.

It didn't exactly fit into my "master plan", but then again, a lot of things seem to be happening out of order in my life.  I guess I should reorder things.

Want a virtual tour of the inside of my home?

I love that I live walking distance from my work and from my church.  I love that my house is old (built in 1920) and has that old-house character.  I love my tree-lined street.  I love my neighborhood. 

Day 31: Parents.

I love my parents.  They're incredibly supportive and encouraging.  They let me move back in after college in order to save for a house, and they come over to help me with my over-ambitious projects when I call.  The times when Brad and Katie are down in Salem for the night and my family is together are some of my favorites.  I feel so fortunate to have such great parents.

My dad's name is Dan.  He was the manager of a finance company in Salem for over 25 years.  We've had some great times over the years, playing catch for softball, teaching me how to drive, watching March Madness basketball games and helping me work through my ever-growing list of projects.  I think I've always been the closest to my dad.  He's quiet and patient.  I've only seen him get really angry once.

My mom is Lorina.  She was a kindergarten teacher for almost a decade.  She's absolutely phenomenal with kids.  She has creativity flowing all the time.  She works on quilts and crocheting projects now that she's not melting down crayons for art project or creating something out of pipe cleaner.  She's also a fantastic cook.  Whenever I have a cooking-related question she's the first place I go.

Back from Mexico

I'm finally back, but secretly wishing I was still there.

Actually, I really just wish I was with all the amazing people I traveled and worked with all week.  I'll do more detailed posts about what I learned and how I grew in the last week, but for now, back to the regularly scheduled programming...

Time to finish my 40 days of blogging.

Break from my 40-days of blogging

I'm generally a "planner", but I started this 40-days of blogging on a whim.  What I didn't realize was that my spring break trip to Mexico to build houses with high schoolers would cut me a little short from my goal--who knew it was that soon!  Anyway, I will be without a phone, computer, or internet for a little over a week--should be a great time!  See you a week from tomorrow!

Day 30: Five Goals.

Not quite my "30 before 30 list", but things I definitely strive for.

1. That people see Jesus through my actions.  I want to be one of those people who is different, in a positive example kind of way.  I desire to be a woman of God.  Self-sacrificial.

2. To be a person who loves deeply.  Loves friends well and cares deeply for neighbors.  I'm working on matching my actions with my words, specifically with those who have less than me or have specific needs.

3. To work hard in all I do.  Especially when I don't feel like it.  To be a woman of integrity and honesty.  Dependable, trustworthy, and loyal.

4. To make a difference.  To impact the lives of people around me.  To make a difference in the community I live in (and love).  To not just "exist", but to live a beautiful, full life that means something.

5. To make wise choices in all situations.  To cultivate healthy friendships.  My actions carry much more weight when I know that younger eyes are watching my example.  I want to be a person who makes good, intelligent, Godly decisions in tough situations.  To be a woman of peace.

Day 29: A photo of your room.

I love this room, despite it being the smallest room in the house.  And even though I already gave you a virtual tour of the rest of the house a few weeks ago, I'll just give you a short play-by-play of the progress of this room.

Here is what the room looked like before I purchased it.  Obviously the baby stuff isn't mine.

There are several reasons I chose this particular room.  First, it's right next to an open landing area off the stairs that I figured could eventually be swallowed by this room to create a large master bedroom (with a possible entrance to the bathroom to create an actual suite).  But after moving in I was feeling a little overwhelmed so I decided to hold off on major demo for the time being.  Second, with one of the other bedrooms serving as a closet, there was really no need for this room to be large.  Especially since I have the entire house for all of my stuff.  It actually works out really well.  I love it.

The first home project I started on was the accent walls in my bedroom.  These pictures make it look almost royal blue, but it's definitely more teal in real life.  That's what I get for being lazy and taking pictures on my iPhone.  It's much closer to this:

Definitely vibrant though.  I didn't want to paint all four walls in a dark color, so I chose two of the walls to accent--I just couldn't stop myself.  The other accent wall is the one with the door.

I had purchased the bedding before I even purchased the house and set it aside for "when I get a house..."  It was a surprise that I found (and remembered) once I started packing.  The colors are great and that's what I used as inspiration for the other accents in the room.

The pink/red flower picture, the white vase, and the black "box" shelf are all from IKEA.  The curly flower arrangement came from Cost Plus World Market.  Light switch is right next to the door.

I already had the bulletin board.  I just added 1/2" green ribbon that I pinned on with flat white thumbtacks.  Sort of a woven design so the pictures and words stay in.

And then there is the closet.  One of the bigger closets in the house (in the smallest room in the house, go figure), but like all the rest, it's an odd shape--about 3.5'x3.5'.  So, in order to maximize the usage of the space, I installed closets back in October.  Imagine me in the closet, trying to hold up the shelf with my shoulder, put the level on with one hand, holding the bracket with the other, and trying to figure out how to get the screwdriver--it was quite the experience.  You can read more about it HERE.  The space is great though.  I use it all the time.  Very practical.

 I'm also considering painting a smaller tree/branch art piece for above my bed (where my diploma is currently) like in the dining room (seen in THIS post).  It was a time-consuming process, but really easy--and much cheaper than the alternatives

I suppose as they say, a house/room is never "done", no matter how much work you put into it.

Day 28: Something you crave a lot.

Hands down, the thing I crave the most is sleep.

You'd think that makes me one of those delayed adolescent kids who stays up at all hours of the night, but I'm not.  I average 7-8 hours of sleep a night, yet I constantly feel exhausted, "need a nap at 10:30 a.m." kind of exhausted.

Looks like Toby :)

I haven't figured out what the issue is--I've been struggling with this since high school.  Although I frequently day dream about sleep.  How sad is that?  Additionally, I'm pretty sure that I admitted at Axis (our high school mid-week youth group) last night that I would like mono just because I would have an excuse to sleep for about a month.  I don't think pathetic goes any deeper than that.

I'd give, literally, almost anything just to sleep well.  I only hear how sleeping gets worse as you age-- scared to think about what that looks like for me.

Day 27: Siblings.

Bradley Alan (aka: best brother ever), never ceases to amaze me.

From his humble beginnings of tapered jeans and eagle-print tee-shirts (tucked in) he has grown into a man of integrity.  A brother who will drop everything if I need to talk.  A resource when I need help doing something.  He's incredibly selfless.  He's also brilliant (just reference his Chemical Engineering degree if you need proof). 

Everyone has really-good friends, the kind who know your history, but more accurately know you.  It's easy to confide in these people, especially since they already know the back story.  Siblings often, but not always, fit into this category.  Only Brad will understand our unique family dynamics.  Only Brad will get some of my inside jokes.  Only Brad will remember strange instances from crazy family car trips.  He gets me in a completely different way than most of my friends--probably partially because he's known me longer than most anyone.

Brad & I with our cousins Jackie (blue coat) and Matt (blue shirt)

I got lucky.  And despite everything, he'll always be my brother.

Brad on the far left--I'm the blonde next to him.  1997 I believe.

He married an absolutely fantastic woman (Katie) last Fall.  So all those dreams of having a sister are finally here.  I'll miss them something terrible when they leave for grad school and then the Peace Corp.  But like I said, we're related for life, so no matter what, they'll always be there.  That's my favorite part about family.

Brad & Katie (P.S. I love this picture--and I actually took it!)

Freedom

Yesterday was a day of tears.

Happy tears, sad tears, hopeful tears, freeing tears.  I probably should have just skipped mascara altogether.

Although the common theme with all of the tears was healing.  Tears have always been incredibly cleansing for me.  I think it's something about the symbolism and release.  It's a little like the phoenix bird from Harry Potter; its tears can heal even the most mortal wound.  I really like that idea (although I realize it's fiction).  Most of my tears yesterday were healing, of the encouraging, wound cleaning, and re-invigorating sort.

As they flowed down my face at a worship service last night, I felt free.  Months ago I heard a sermon on Joseph's imprisonment (you know, after he was falsely accused of sexually assaulting Potiphar's wife and then locked up in prison for at least two years)  It finally dawned on me that the desert actually felt like prison.  I felt imprisoned by certain situations.  Unable to do anything but sit and wait.  I didn't understand why, and I didn't know how long I would be there, but I was forced to wait regardless.  I resented it for a long time.  But Joseph was there for a reason.  Yesterday the prison door was unlocked.  As I sat at the foot of the cross, crying through bouts of tears, I heard God say "freedom".  It sat on my heart in the lightest kind of way.

The potholes aren't quite as deep today.  There's an evenness of emotion that is quite welcome and definitely overdue.  I'm still exhausted physically, but I'm spiritually and emotionally filled to overflowing--in the best kind of way.  There isn't a better way to start a week (especially one that ends with a 27-hour bus trip).

Day 26: Biggest pet peeves.

1. When people don't use their blinker to change lanes.  It's dangerous (and irritating), don't do it.

2. People who don't value time.  Most especially, people who don't value my time.  If we set a meeting/appointment, please at least have a good excuse when you cancel at the last minute.

3. Drivers who don't make room for runners on the side of the road (when there is plenty of room to do so).  Even worse when a semi-truck does this--it's actually terrifying.

4. Animals that taunt me in my own home.  Enough said.

5. People who discipline their children poorly.  Especially when they yell at their children in a crowded store.  Not okay.  I'm embarrassed for you.

6. People who only use cliche phrases such as "you'll appreciate looking young when you're older" or "you're not losing a brother, you're gaining a sister", or "God has a plan."  I believe all of these things, but only 0.5% of the time are they what I need/want to be hearing at that particular moment. 

Okay, I think I got that all out of my system now.

Day 25: A photo history of the last 5 years.

The highs of the last 5 years--through pictures.  Pretty cool idea actually.

2006: In college at U of O, lived in a Christian house called "Trinity."

2007: One of my best friends (Brit) got married.

2007: I studied abroad in Mexico for 3 months.  And made some great friends in the process.

2008: I graduated from college!!!

2009: I had two part-time jobs.  One at my church and one at a hotel.  Made some fantastic friends at both.

2009: I ran my first race.  A 5-miler at the Portland Marathon.  I was hooked.

2010: My brother got married (to a fantastic woman).  I couldn't be happier for him.

2010: I ran the Portland Marathon after training for it for a year.

2010: I bought a house.

2010: Working with high school kids.  LOVING every minute of it.

Day 24: Most embarrassing moment.

While I'm sure I have plenty of embarrassing moments, I could never think of a specific one when asked "what's your embarrassing moment?"  So I spent some time coming up with one and it's my automatic go-to story.  It even has a picture.  Guess I just got lucky.

When I was a sophomore or junior in high school our baseball team made it to the playoffs.  Their first game happened to be at our school.  I guess it was a big deal because we needed an official national anthem with a big flag. They were sure proud.  Anyway, I happened to be at the game, so the A.D. asked me to hold the flag.  I thought, "no problem, this'll be easy".  Unfortunately it wasn't quite as easy as I thought it was going to be.  I got out in front of everyone there and attempted to unroll the flag.  But it had tassels!  The tassels wrapped themselves around the flag while I unrolled it and it was too big to hold differently without dropping it.  I kept trying desperately, but it wasn't going well--and everyone was watching.  On top of that, a friend of mine was going to play the national anthem on his trumpet.  He was waiting for the flag to be unrolled before he started.  Not a great combination.  Regardless, I was mortified.  Picture proof.  Don't be confused, the flag looks practically unrolled in this picture, but it's not.

Day 23: A picture of your pet(s).

This is Toby.  He's a West Highland White Terrier, or Westie for short.  I got him from the Oregon Humane Society a couple months ago.  He came from a breeder in Medford and lived in a cage most of his life.  Poor guy.

This is Max.  He's my parent's pug.  They got him when I was a sophomore in college.  He has so much personality and spunk.  Not to mention that he'll eat anything, dog food, small rocks, ya know.  He's quite overweight, but we love him anyway.

This is Whiskers.  She's no longer with us, but she was my cat growing up.  Whiskers was slightly crazy, laying in the middle of the road until cars came, climbing into the engine of our car, and getting stuck under the garage door one night.  We had to put her down when I was in college because she developed a skin cancer that started to eat away at her nose.  I loved this cat.

Decay

I turned on the news this morning during breakfast to see tsunami warnings for the Oregon coast.  I immediately texted my parents to see what was going on (they've been at the beach house all week), and to make sure they were okay.  I think that's the point when I started seeing the videos and images out of Japan of the 8.9 magnitude earthquake and ensuing tsunami.  Horrific, devastating videos of rushing water carrying cars and debris through farmlands was all over CNN.  People trapped on the roofs of buildings waiting for help.  Fires blazing from an oil refinery.  Mass chaos.  My day was irrevocably changed.

And as I continued to follow the news in Japan I kept hearing about the nuclear power plant that was struggling to cool down and possible going to let out radioactive air out to prevent a breakdown.  Then another 6.6 magnitude earthquake hit the other side of the country hours later. 

Sort of like being kicked while you're already down.  Japan has been through a lot in the last 24 hours.

The enormity of the situation in Japan, coupled with all of the other major natural disasters we've been seeing recently (Christchurch, Australia just weeks ago) is overwhelming.  In fact, I even found this list of the Three Most Devastating Earthquakes in 2011 while searching online.  It's amazing is that we've already had three major earthquakes this year and it's only the beginning of March!

It makes me think of the end times.  The decay of the world and it's morals.  It's hard to imagine the world continuing like this, it's actually scary to think about--especially thinking about having a family and kids someday.

On the positive side, for how terrible the world is today, heaven will be so much better.  Sort of the idea that you can't experience true happiness without deep sadness.  With all of the sadness coming out of Japan today, that's what I'm clinging to.

Day 22: A childhood memory that stands out to you.

Almost all of my memorable moments from childhood involve my brother.

The times we fought over nothing (who would flip the light switch), the times we play-acted Donkey Kong (or X-Men) in the backyard, our late-night conversations in high school about life and drama, or the numerous times we were asked if we were dating (which was promptly answered with an "eww! He's my brother!" sort of response).

My parents were really big into "driving vacations".  One particular vacation we flew to Boston and then proceeded to drive up and down the Eastern seaboard.  We also visited a lot of museums.  Thankfully I can look back fondly, but at the time, it was infuriating.  Not only did my parents insist on driving everywhere, but we drove one of the smallest 4-door cars: a Toyota Tercel.  It looked just like this, except the front bumper was blue like the rest of the car.

Now, Brad is a knick-knacky kind of person (got it from my mom), and I am a minimalist (got it from my dad)--not a stellar combination.  So Brad would get a bunch of kitschy souvenirs and then place them all over the center console in the backseat.  Nothing could be on top of something else, so his souvenirs looked like an army awaiting battle.  Then, we'd make a sharp turn and guess what, yep, all of his little trinkets fell all over me and my side of the car.  I, of course, would get angry and sweep all the remaining trinkets to his side of the car in a huff.  I think that might have been the moment when the center seat was banned from use by anyone.  Although I'm certain other battles over it ensued in future years.

Never a dull moment with my brother and I.  Such a vivid childhood.

Delays

Patience and flexibility are what I strive for.  Sometimes I fail (e.g. when people drive slower than the speed limit in the fast lane), but fortunately most of the time I do okay.  It's my attempt to "go with the flow", something that seems to come easily to my more outgoing friends.

Unfortunately, after a few weeks of meetings either being blown off, forgotten about, or canceled on repeatedly, I became frustrated.  Was I being a push over in my "easy-going-ness"?  Was life just so busy that I was an afterthought to people?  Or, was I holding my friends to unrealistically high standards given the frantic "go go go!" culture we live in? 

I drifted through my thoughts about it until it occurred to me.  What if the meetings kept getting canceled because I wasn't ready (mentally, emotionally, or spiritually) to have those meetings?  Almost like a light bulb went off, I feel like God is saying "you have some work to do Megan, I want you fully prepared before you're in that situation because those conversations are important, and not just for you."

So, as I push through another delayed meeting, I'm going to look at the situation differently.  Instead of being angry I'm going to be encouraged and value the extra time I have to prepare my heart, my mind, and my thoughts.  So that when the time comes my words and my actions will shadow God's heart and plan for that particular situation/conversation.

Brokenness

Sometimes I just feel broken.  Beaten down and exhausted.  Daily life wears me thin, and my constant struggles find the threadbare holes.

 Sometimes I wonder how long it'll be until the Promised Land.  Until I'm "ready" to leave the dessert.

Sometimes I question my sanity.  My ability to stay realistic and practical.  It fights against my urge to daydream in the irrational.

But even in my brokenness, there's a sense of calm.  Of peaceful rest.  That surrounds me loosely.  Not always overwhelming in its presence, but peaceful regardless.

Some day I'll transition out of the dessert.  I won't always feel broken.  And that's what keeps me going.