"Things I do" vs. "Things I don't do"

I have recently been inspired to make a couple lists.  The first, of things that are important to me, things that I enjoy doing and choose to do (aside from the basic and routine).  And the second list is of things that I, quite simply, don't do.

These lists empower me in three different ways: 
1. I know what's important to me,
2. I alleviate the guilt over never quite achieving the same standards of perfection in things I'm not particularly good at or dislike doing, and
3. I'm allowed the freedom of time to complete the things on my "things I do" list because I am not burdened with the things on my "things I don't do" list.

I can't do everything or be great at everything.  In order to stave off unnecessary guilt and perceived responsibility, I have these lists to remind me what's important and what's not.  The "things I don't do" list sets me free from a "do everything better" kind of mindset that envelopes our culture.

I'm openly admitting defeat in several areas and accepting that fact.  And I'm breaking down the social stigma that says that I need to be all things to all people.  These are the things I do and don't do.

Things I do:

Invest in people - I think people are fantastic, and I want to spend as much of my time with fantastic people as possible.  I learned that diversity in friendships, and life, is a blessing and a necessity.  I'm purposeful about my friendships and the people I spend my time with, but people are indeed what I choose to spend my time on.  Sometimes I get to the point where there are too many people that I want to see and not enough hours in the week to do it all.  Weeks full of rich conversations with great people are amazing.  The amount of encouragement, motivation, and inspiration I get from people makes all the running around and being busy all week worth it.

Read good books - I am a book nerd.  I've been reading since my mom took my brother and I to the public library at age three.  Words are powerful.  Impacting phrases stay with me long after, sustaining a lingering desire to push farther and analyze deeper.  Books are also where I meet good friends and journey with them through stories.  Fiction series are usually my favorite, but right now I'm working through some great Christian non-fiction.  Needless to say, books are essential.  I will always read.  My children will read.  Books are just that amazing.

Take naps - I was the three year old who literally had to be weaned off naps to go to all-day school.  I'm a napper, when allowed.  I lived in Mexico for three months and I fell in love with the siesta.  A big meal and then a mid-day nap?  Sign me up!  

Blog/journal - I enjoy writing immensely, and I've never found a better way to process through tough information, cry through a sad situation, or yell through my frustrations than through writing.  It's a freeing exercise that centers me again and again, but it also allows me to be 100% real with zero fear of nonacceptance.  Words are an indelible part of what makes me who I am.  And just for clarification.  I reserve the right to use phrases like "dude" and "yo" in the same sentence as vociferous or penultimate.  Because that's who I am, and because finding just the right word for the situation is like adding whipped cream to the top of a sundae.  In fact, it might actually be better.

Volunteer - This pours out of my passions for Salem/Keizer and community outreach in general.  There is always something that can be done.  Time is limited, obviously, but there are ways to engage and give back.  I spend time doing this because I think it's important, not because I think I have to.  Volunteering allows me to appreciate, in a deeper way, some of the many blessings I have in my life.  Salem-Keizer has made leaps and bounds in the right direction, but there are still hurting, hungry people just waiting for someone to reach out.

Take pictures (of what I want) - I'm no good at snapping random candids on a trip with friends or capturing great moments at a wedding, but I can have a lot of fun with art and nature when I have my camera.  After many years of thinking I just wasn't creative, I finally found where my creativity lies.  And moments when I allow myself to slip into my art and take pictures of things that capture my eye are beautiful and totally worth it.

Sabbath - I think honoring a Sabbath is not only important, but essential to a healthy Christian life.  And thank goodness I feel that way because without a Sabbath I think I would have melt-downs every other day.  Sometimes I slip up, but it's the idea that is important.  God knew we needed a day of rest, that's why He gave us one. I'm determined to take advantage of it.  A guilt-free day to rest in God and allow myself to be emotionally, spiritually, and physically refilled.

Quiet time - My relationship with God is supreme above all else, and my relationship exists because I spend regular time just being with Him.  He's the only friend who asks for nothing more than my time and my love, and since making arrangements with God on times to meet up isn't necessary, we can chat even more frequently; in the car, while I'm cooking dinner, or even when I'm waiting in line.  What is a relationship if you don't develop and cultivate it?

Eat what I want - I don't do diets.  I exercise (a little excessively right now because of the marathon) and I enjoy eating healthy foods like fruits and vegetables, but I eat what I want when I want in moderation.  And I don't obsess about my weight.  There are bigger issues to worry about.

Things I don't do:

Landscape/garden - I'm not a gardener.  I've never been a gardener.  I'll most likely never become a gardener.  I can mow the grass and pick a few weeds, but please please please don't ask me to plant stuff and keep it alive.  To me, gardening is like exterior decorating, and since my interior decorating skills are minimal, I'm just not going to worry about it.

Cook lavish meals/desserts - I've watched my fair share of the food network, seen some of the cooks come up with some elaborate meals, and wished for a second that I could do that.  Then I come back to reality and remember that I'm me, and not on the food network for a reason.  Macaroni and cheese, pizza, hot dogs, and frozen meals in a bag/box are wholly acceptable dinners.  I'm much better with baking, but mostly because the recipe tells you exactly how much of everything to use.  Experimenting with a little bit of this and a dash of that, like how my talented brother cooks, is not how I do things.  I like recipes with detailed directions and exact lists of ingredients.  I'm certain I could make almost anything with a good recipe, but if you tell me to just create something with what I have, you will most likely get a blank stare or a look of fear.

Change decorations based on season - Decorating is not my flair.  I just bought a house and it's, not surprisingly, overwhelming to think about all the decorations that will be needed.  I can appreciate cute decorations and trinkets in other peoples houses and I think they look great, but collecting even just one set for my house is all I have the patience for.  This means that having second and third sets of decorations that match the theme of the season is out.  I'll get a Christmas tree in December, but that's it.

Deep clean my house - I hate to admit this, but I will anyway.  I have no problem with cleaning when something really needs cleaning, but my "acceptable" level lasts for a long time.  I frequently wear clothes a good number of times, or use dishes/silverware several times before I even think about washing them.  And dust bunnies have to literally attack me before I realize that I haven't swept or vacuumed in a while. As long as it looks clean, I'm happy.

Try to keep up with all good TV shows - I tried this for a while, so that I would have things to talk about with co-workers and friends on Facebook, but I don't have the time and honestly, I can live without them.  I'll follow one, maybe two shows a year.  And it is watched almost entirely online several days later.

Paint my nails - This one puzzles most girls, but I don't even care.  I don't like painting my nails, I think it's silly.  I think they look just fine without.  And don't even get me started on professional manicures and acrylic nails...  **shudder**

Make frequent phone calls - I am awful at the phone.  Texting I can do.  Facebook I'm good at.  Having long phone conversations with people (even those I really like) is sometimes akin to having teeth pulled.  No offense, but I prefer to talk in person.  This is the exact reason that I sent 3,000 texts last month and used less than 100 of my cell phone minutes.

Wake up early - I'm not a morning person.  I'm not grumpy or caffeine deprived, I'm just exhausted.  Chronic problems with sleeping is the root of the issue, but since I can't figure out how to fix those, I'm just always tired.  Especially in the morning.  So many people have these great devotional times in the morning, watching the sun rise and drinking a cup of coffee while reading their Bible.  All I can think about is sleeping, which sort of ruins the whole mood.  So becoming one of those people who wakes up early to run, or do their devo, or get a bunch of things done is a no-go.  I accept my late-afternoon/early-evening self as I am.

Buying meaningful gifts - Gifts are the bane of my existence.  It's not one of my love languages.  I honestly prefer not to get gifts because I am no good at feigning a love for something I'll never use.  So buying gifts for people turns into an all-year event.  I'll literally list all the people I need to get something for after New Years, and capture great gift ideas throughout the year.  I'll purchase all the gifts on my list at least two weeks before Christmas and be done.  If I don't do this I spend the entire month of December freaking out about acceptable gifts that people will 1. use, and 2. like.  For this reason I do gifts only at Christmas and occasionally for birthdays.  It's just too stressful otherwise. 

Go to bars - I dislike bars.  I'm not a huge fan of alcohol just in general.  Being oogled and hit on by drunk guys isn't fun.  Watching drunk people do silly things, much more entertaining, but still not enough to make going to bars worth it.  I refuse to feel guilty for telling friends I don't want to go to a bar to meet up with them.  There are plenty of other alternatives.

Wear makeup every day - I'll be honest, eye makeup in a pain.  Sure it looks cool, but putting it on and taking it off is a chore.  I only wear it when I'm meeting people, determined to look professional, or am truly bored and have too much free time on my hands.  I hate the social stigma that says that a woman is only beautiful is she spends an hour looking "perfect".

Keep up on the news - Today is yet another example of my utter lack of information.  Ecuador had a coup and Jamie Lee Curtis' dad died.  I have no idea what is going on in the world, or even just here in the United States.  I think that makes me a terrible Political Science graduate, but who has the time?

What if?

There are frequently times in my life where I wonder what God's up to.  Alright, if I'm honest, it's a constant sort of curiosity.  I've given God the doors of my life, and while some of them have to be given up over and over again, there are some doors that for whatever reason, rest in the palm of God's hand easily. 

Places where peace and rest mingle together.  Places where people revel at my calm and collected demeanor.  A demeanor that comes from trust and assurance that everything will work out exactly as it should.  An intricate puzzle or thread woven within a tapestry.

And it's days like today when I wonder what God's doing.  When possibilities are before me, options are available, and I feel like a little kid at an ice cream shop eying the prospects with wonder.

I don't know what the future holds.  God tends to lead me on curvy roads.  But tonight some possibilities are out there, and I wonder,

"What if?"

Community & Shauna Niequist

Tonight was perfect.

A beautiful combination of community, hope, and encouragement.  Surrounded by women and friends that I love.  Some I would call if I needed a shoulder to cry on, and others who I'd love to get to know better.  Regardless, a cozy house, lots of quality, Christian women, plates of food and dessert, and an author who truly encourages and inspires me.  I couldn't ask for better.

Not only did the event seem very "adult" (since the house purchase a lot of things just feel "adult"), but I felt connected to a life bigger than my own.  A community that felt safe and accepting.

I spent a good deal of Jr. High frustrated because my parents weren't more involved at my church.  Because the kids whose parents were involved seemed to be part of the "clique" that I wanted nothing more than to be a part of.  I was determined to go as far towards that goal as I could on my own, and to that end I became the super volunteer and the ever-present Jr Higher who spent more time at church than at home.  And I found a sense of community.  I felt loved and accepted and alive.  But I never quite made it into that elite clique.

Here we are ten-(ish) years later.  I'm connected with a church again, finally feeling alive and cultivating the kinds of friendships with Godly women that I've always wanted.  Tonight I was allowed to experience the group I always wanted to be a part of in Jr High.  And the great thing this time around is that I, myself, have much more control this go around.  Nothing is holding me back.

All that to say that tonight was beautiful and encouraging.  A shining beacon of hope through the melancholy.  And quite literally what I want more than most anything else, an authentic community of people who I can be real with.  I'm on my way.

The other amazing part of the night centered around the very fact that I got to meet Shauna Niequist.  Nothing quite as bizarre as having a conversation about marathons (she's running one at the same time as me!) over a glass of champagne.  But, for as surreal as it was to hear Shauna read from a book that truly touched me these last couple of months--a book that reached out to right where I was and encouraged me to keep going--it was absolutely amazing.  She's normal, she's real, and I've never wanted to write a book of my own as much as I do now.

The melancholic mood of this last week has been replaced with a much sunnier disposition and a dangling hope for the future.  I'm encouraged and I'm irrevocably changed for the better.  And it's only Tuesday evening...

A confession

Confession:  I haven't done a mid-week run in weeks.  In fact, I've probably only done 1 or 2 in the last month and a half.  The motivation is gone.  Completely gone.  I wake up in the morning, think of an excuse why I should get an hour more of sleep, and then reset the alarm.  No one knows if I don't get up early and run.  No one asks about it.  So I get away with it.  And I can still say I'm "training for a marathon"...(that is less than 2 weeks away!)

Thankfully my motivation to get the long runs done hasn't waned.  I guess if I can only have motivation to do one, I'd rather the long runs be the winner.  But I can't imagine running 16-20 miles only one day each week is doing my body and muscles any favors.  I'm honestly a little worried.

Early morning running seems to be immune to my usual tactics. I'm not a morning person, but I'm a busy person.  And the only time available to running is in the morning before work.  Needless to say, I'm one more failed goal away from giving up completely.  I've tried everything I can think of, tried to convince myself up, down, and sideways of the importance of it, and just generally failed.  It's incredibly discouraging.

I've never struggled with motivation.  Especially when I set a goal with an expiration date.  This is totally new to me, and to be honest, it's disconcerting.  Discipline is (literally) one of my strengths.  That's what I do.  Challenge myself and then follow through.  Over and over again.  Mental fortitude not mental abandon.

Motivation all around my life is lacking, and I'm a strange mix of disappointed and "couldn't care less."  I don't like it at all, but the crux is that I can't seem to get past it either.  Maybe my goals are too lofty?

Bittersweet

I've struggled with an overwhelming melancholy lately.  Sharp joyous moments sinking in a sea of emptiness.  My expectations, my dreams, my life as I planned-- dashed.  Disbelief, sadness, loss-- ever present.  I don't like the pain, but who really does?

Tomorrow I get to meet an author who I have grown to love over the last couple months.  Shauna Niequist's book Bittersweet has been a poignant reminder through some very "bittersweet" moments in my life recently, and I'm grateful that someone wrote down their thoughts during this journey.  Some stories are like flashlights in front of my path.  Others just remind me that I'm not alone.  And sometimes that's all I need.

Here is a section from the chapter Phoenix that struck me tonight:

"I used to think that the growth we experience through pain, physical or not, was a consolation prize... I thought that what we really want are easy lives, and if we can't have those, then we can at least become deep, grounded people who grow through heartbreak.

Everyone I know gets their heart broken sometimes, by something.  The question is not, will my life be easy or will my heart break?  But rather, when my heart breaks, will I choose to grow?

Sometimes in the moments of the most searing pain, we think we don't have a choice.  But we do.  It's in those moments that we make the most important choice: grow or give up.  It's easy to want to give up under the weight of what we're carrying.  It seems sometimes like the only possible choice.  But there's always, always, always another choice, and transformation is waiting for us just beyond that choice."

Shauna also explains how a good friend once told her that God uses particular situations in life to help us grow in certain areas.  Curious why you seem to deal with the same issue time and time again?  Wondering why you can't seem to get away from a certain kind of person?  Perhaps it's just a pinprick reminder that work is still needed.  Perhaps.

So tonight I ask myself.  Where am I?  And where can growth begin?  I've got to start somewhere.

Your love is all I need.

Friday, September 17th, I closed on my first home.  All paperwork was completed, all signatures collected, and money transferred.  The moment my Realtor handed me the (largest collection I'd ever seen for one house of) keys, I admittedly got a little giddy with anticipation all over again.  The house was actually mine.  I had one of those moments where the sheer impact of the responsibility before me was a little heady, but I knew I was up for the challenge.

A luck would have it, I moved the same weekend as my longest (20 mile) run for my marathon training.  And kick-off weekend at church.  I sort of reveled in the busyness, as I sometimes do, and let the break-neck pace run me from morning until I fell into bed in the evening.  I moved boxes, vacuumed, shampooed carpets, and then unpacked boxes with the goal of organizing one room per day.  And somewhere along the way that week I called the construction company to come out and do the quoted repairs from the home inspection, got myself a fridge (!), and got wireless internet all set up.  I made a casserole for my friend Megan on Friday night and I finally felt like an adult.

The house decisions were mine.  And being someone who has probably coasted a little too long on the "I don't really have an opinion, whatever you want to do" bandwagon, it was definitely a shift for me.  A learning lesson all of it's own.

 I made it to about Wednesday night before the break-neck pace of cleaning and organizing finally hit me.  The task of having to do it alone was almost overwhelming.  My roommate didn't move in until this weekend, but in the same respect, I couldn't expect her to do some of this stuff regardless.  The weight of being a homeowner sunk in.  And another realization hit me afresh: I never pictured myself here, alone.  I, like many other little girls, pictured life in a certain way.  High school, college, marriage, house, kids, etc.. I've officially gone out of order on my timeline.  Life is not what I thought it was going to be like.

I'm learning some new lessons.  How to trust God in new ways and how to manage the fears of doing this new step essentially alone.  It's good, fun, scary, and intense all at the same time.

Of course I wish I could say that the last couple of months/weeks were filled with only exciting news, but life doesn't work that way.  I've had my share of disappointments, apart from my house, that have tinged this last week.  Dreams that had to be re-shelved until a future time.  I'm still optimistic, but again, my timeline seems to be off.  God frequently brings things into my life to teach me certain lessons (sometimes over and over again).  This week I got to learn a little more about patience and endurance.

While serving in High School group this morning we sang a song I'd never heard, but a phrase I'd heard numerous times before hit me differently.  Your love is all I need.  And that phrase brought with it a new kind of peace that served as the exact balm that my soul needed this morning.  A reminder that I'm not alone in it all AND that all that I really need is already right here.  As I continue to wade through the disappointment and uncertainty of the upcoming week, I know that quite literally, God's love is all I need for sustenance and survival.  And for right now, that's enough.  One week at a time.

"No Matter What" - Kerrie Roberts

I’m running back to your promises one more time, Lord that’s all I can hold on to,
I gotta say this has taken me by surprise, but nothing surprises you.
Before a heartache can ever touch my life, it has to go through Your hands,
and even though I keep asking why, I keep asking why.

No matter what, I’m gonna love You, no matter what I’m gonna need You,
I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not, I’ll trust you,
no matter what, no matter what.

When I’m stuck and there’s nothing else by myself, I’m just sitting in silence,
there’s no way I can make it without Your help, I won’t even try it.
I know You have Your reasons for everything, so I will keep believing,
whatever I might be feeling, God you are my hope, and you will be my strength,

No matter what, I’m gonna love You, no matter what I’m gonna need You,
I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not, I’ll trust you,
no matter what, no matter what.

Anything I don’t have You can give it to me, but it’s OK if You don’t,
I’m not here for those things, the touch of Your love is enough on its own,
no matter what I still love You and I’m gonna need You

No matter what I’m gonna love you, no matter what I’m gonna need you,
I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not , I’ll trust You,
no matter what, no matter what.
I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain, but if not, I’ll trust you,
no matter what no matter what no matter no matter what