I'm not a dreamer

From what I understand, there are two trains of thought about personal facts (you state about yourself).

1. You're never allowed to say "not", "can't", "never", etc; lest you hold yourself back from something.
2. You recognize your individual gifting(s), and reasonably state your abilities (as you see them).

I fall into the latter category.  I actually like that facet about myself.  I like that I know what I'm reasonably capable of, while still being willing to stretch myself (reasonably).  I think it's a strength to know yourself well enough to do that.

My visionary boss disagrees.  I get into a lot of word-smithing messes over this issue.  Unfortunately, no matter how often he shares his view on this, I still disagree.

Therefore (according to my own belief of thought), I can state in all honesty that I am not a dreamer.  Or a visionary.  Or an overwhelming personality able to draw people in naturally with great ideas.

I'm a realist.  I see the facts.  I see the gaps.  I see the potential problems.  I also don't think this is bad.  Tempered with visionaries, it's a good combination of creative ideas and practical application all mixed together.

But put me in a group of all visionaries and I quickly become the unpleasant voice in the group.  The resident "killjoy".  Honestly, even for a realist, no one wants to be that.  I hate being the unpleasant reminder that practicality defeats that wonderful, utopian idea.  It's like killing cute, little puppies and kittens.  Yet, isn't that information valuable at some level?  At some point?

So I hold my tongue and say nothing.  And then I feel (or am perceived) as unengaged or not opinionated.  Quiet and unresponsive.  But no one really wants to hear my opinion.  In "word" they do, of course they want everyone to feel valued and able to share, but they don't really want the cold, hard, reality I bring.  At least not so quickly.  I guess at least.

Essentially, I feel like I lose at all levels of those conversations.  How can I be myself (the realist), while interacting with a big bunch of visionaries?  I feel like I'm doomed to failure after all of these conversations.  I literally feel like I'm unable to succeed.  There is very little more frustrating than that.

The future

I hate having this conversation.  The one that highlights my fears, my insecurities, my inability to trust and let go.  I hate disappointing people too.  But all too often I feel like that is exactly what I'm doing.

I've stopped looking forward.  Sure, I "look forward" to small things; certain meals, upcoming events, vacations, etc.  But I've stopped forward looking.  Anything that begs the question, "where do you see yourself in 5 years" is instantly shrugged off.  After several failed relationships, friendships, and life plans, I seem to have given up.  Not given up on life, but given up on setting 5-10 year goals (or really, anything farther than the next 6 months).

I don't even have a visual picture of my life in 5 years.  I simply can't see it.  And I've gotten so good (?) at refusing to set unrealistic expectations for my life, that I no longer set any expectations farther than dinner, or perhaps next week. 

This invariably makes the future the scariest option around.  When asked to consider it, my brain automatically panics.  I don't do this.  I don't picture the future anymore, lest I end up hurt and disappointed again when things don't go as planned.  I have placed too many safeguards in place.  I simply can't do it.  At least I won't allow myself to.

The present is stressful enough.  The future is downright terrifying.  But somehow I think I got off track somewhere.  Somehow I think that conversations about the future shouldn't scare me quite as much as they currently do.  That perhaps I have taken "unrealistic expectations" to an entirely new level. 

I miss food

It took me an hour to eat dinner last night.

This is day three of immobilizing jaw pain.  The I-can't-open-my-mouth-properly-without-terrible-pain kind. I think my remaining wisdom teeth are to blame.  I frantically called my dentist yesterday when I was certain I wouldn't make it through the long weekend, and they graciously got me in for Friday.

Of course through all of this, all I can think about is food.  Glorious food, that is officially too painful to eat.  So I'm sipping on a smoothie that the boyfriend (who is immeasurably thoughtful) brought for lunch and dreaming about hot dogs and corn salsa, and popcorn (yep, you can judge my food choices if you want). 

Image from GiantEagle.com.

The other focus area is how debilitating this is.  I can still walk, breathe, type, work, drive, blah, blah, blah.  But I can focus on very little aside from the pain, the personal level of panic over something being wrong, or my impromptu wisdom tooth removal tonight.  I don't feel "sick", but I'm definitely not healthy.  It's such a strange place.  I'm used to colds, or the flu, or a physical injury, but not this.

Weekend plans are on hold.  Who knows what tomorrow will be like.  Who knows how the rest of the long weekend will pan out.  All because of a stupid tooth (which, might I add, sat there for months without causing a lick of trouble and then all of a sudden decides to spaz out and take my entire mouth with it).

I try very hard to be a "go with the flow" kind of person.  I don't always succeed.  Situations like this necessitate it, but I still hate them.  I would rather have the whole plan worked out in my head (and maybe never vocalized) and change it at the last minute than to be completely in the dark.

It's another opportunity to grow.  Seriously though, did it have to be this painful?

P.S. I had a college roommate who struggled with a stomach problem that they were never able to diagnose.  She figured out that most pain (which could leave her doubled over) came from eating.  She hardly eats.  Bowls of cereal are pretty much it.  You'd never know though, unless you asked (or unless you were like me, and saw her lying on her bed in excruciating pain).  She didn't make it the focus of everything (although I'm sure it dominated her thoughts).  I can't help but cringe when I think of how I respond to pain.  I'm pretty sure my response is not the same.

UPDATE:  The wisdom tooth removal went smoother than smooth.  Took less than 20 minutes from the time I sat down in the chair until I was back out the door.  No pain all weekend (which is funny, since I was popping ibuprofen like candy earlier in the week for pain), and aside from eating carefully and trying to stay away from the worst foods (for my condition) it was like it never happened.  So, my weekend plans of building a table from lumber bought from Home Depot, and painting a room were not delayed.  Quite the holiday weekend, and thankfully, pain free.

Alot of...

After reading THIS post by Hyperbole and a Half (which is one of the funniest blogs ever).  I became obsessed with "alots".  The grammarian in me cringes even when I type it.  But somehow I have convinced myself that it's more of a noun than an adverb.  Somehow...

And, I think the very same website is to blame for my insistence on drawing funny pictures in paint.  I think I may just be trying to prove my epic level of funny.  Not sure it's working, but since I haven't written anything else in a while, I thought I would show you some of my more inspiring drawings.

Read THIS post about the "alots", or the pictures probably won't make much sense.

Here is the original alot.

Gratuitously stolen from Hyperbole and a Half

 

 

Here are some of mine:

This is the rainbow alot.  Or "I see rainbows alot"  Which is true.  Too much rain.

This is the Save-alot.  A funny rendition of an actual store.  Ignore the text.  The picture has other uses before I decided to put it on the interwebs.

Obviously I stole the alot here and added my own train.

And this is my masterpiece from yesterday.  A mix of my strange fear of getting hit by trains and my strange obsession with alots.  I haven't actually decided who wins.  Although I'll tell you, I'm rooting for the alot.

Anxiety & Anticipation

LOVED this reminder/post today.  Exactly what I needed to be reminded about.

"Position yourself in anticipation but not anxiety.
Anxiety causes you to always reach for the next thing. Anticipation moves you to wait patiently.
Anxiety cultivates bitterness about your current situation. Anticipation helps you make the most of the present.
Anxiety blinds you to the joy of the moment. Anticipation gives you hope in this moment for the next one.
Anxiety will never be satisfied. Anticipation finds satisfaction in using this moment to prepare for the next.
Choose to anticipate and avoid anxiety."

From Jordan's site Intersection.

Pain

Sometimes the deepest pain can produce the most growth.  But only when you unclench your fists.

And yet it still leaves the most visible scars.  To remind you where you've been.  And who you are.

My generation

Sometimes I'm just so tired.  Not just physical tiredness (although that basically perpetually describes me), but a tiredness that comes from hearing people mis-categorize people.  Especially those who pigeon-hole my generation (Gen Y/Millennials) into a teeny-tiny box.

I look young, which doesn't help, but I work around people who are older than me.  Slowly the fact that I'm one of the younger people employed in my work circle has settled in.  I'm used to being the youngest person in the room.  I'm used to having all the attention focused on me as soon as anything "young" is discussed.  That's why I'm around, right?  To share insight in an underrepresented, but up-and-coming generation.

This morning I sat through an amazingly dull four-hour seminar for leadership development focused on the non-profit sector.  A woman from a different organization asked a simple question on how to best utilize millennials who come to volunteer.  The speaker (a woman probably in her 60's) answered the question.  Honestly, I was offended.  It sounded something like this:

"Role playing!  Get them acting out situations so they understand.  Keep it simple, that's what they understand."

It's an insult.  And really, this is what I'm so frustrated about.  There is a general lack of belief that my generation can do anything.  This is not the first time I've heard something like this.  We're apparently only good at video games and surfing the internet.  You know what happens when little is assumed from someone?  They accomplish little.  Surely our capacity exceeds "simple instructions".  We're not idiots. 

And I'm not just frustrated that we don't trust the older side of the generation, the post-college grads (who apparently need "simple" directions in order to understand things), but the younger ones too.  The responsibilities that adults gave me when I was in middle school were amazing compared to what we believe teens are capable of doing today.  Giving them the same responsibilities can almost be laughable.  And that's sad.  What happened in the middle of my generation that caused everyone to lose faith in us?

Sure, we're got our quirks, but don't you realize that someday, we'll be in control.  Shouldn't you have already taught us how things should be done?  Shouldn't you trust us now and let us prove our capabilities?  Where are all the mentors for my generation?  Why won't you share your wisdom, and we can share our youth?

The future is only scary because no one seems to want to be bothered to show us the way to go.  The end result is inevitable.

P.S. Today is my 1-year blogging anniversary.  My first post: here