The future

I hate having this conversation.  The one that highlights my fears, my insecurities, my inability to trust and let go.  I hate disappointing people too.  But all too often I feel like that is exactly what I'm doing.

I've stopped looking forward.  Sure, I "look forward" to small things; certain meals, upcoming events, vacations, etc.  But I've stopped forward looking.  Anything that begs the question, "where do you see yourself in 5 years" is instantly shrugged off.  After several failed relationships, friendships, and life plans, I seem to have given up.  Not given up on life, but given up on setting 5-10 year goals (or really, anything farther than the next 6 months).

I don't even have a visual picture of my life in 5 years.  I simply can't see it.  And I've gotten so good (?) at refusing to set unrealistic expectations for my life, that I no longer set any expectations farther than dinner, or perhaps next week. 

This invariably makes the future the scariest option around.  When asked to consider it, my brain automatically panics.  I don't do this.  I don't picture the future anymore, lest I end up hurt and disappointed again when things don't go as planned.  I have placed too many safeguards in place.  I simply can't do it.  At least I won't allow myself to.

The present is stressful enough.  The future is downright terrifying.  But somehow I think I got off track somewhere.  Somehow I think that conversations about the future shouldn't scare me quite as much as they currently do.  That perhaps I have taken "unrealistic expectations" to an entirely new level.