"No Matter What" - Kerrie Roberts

I’m running back to your promises one more time, Lord that’s all I can hold on to,
I gotta say this has taken me by surprise, but nothing surprises you.
Before a heartache can ever touch my life, it has to go through Your hands,
and even though I keep asking why, I keep asking why.

No matter what, I’m gonna love You, no matter what I’m gonna need You,
I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not, I’ll trust you,
no matter what, no matter what.

When I’m stuck and there’s nothing else by myself, I’m just sitting in silence,
there’s no way I can make it without Your help, I won’t even try it.
I know You have Your reasons for everything, so I will keep believing,
whatever I might be feeling, God you are my hope, and you will be my strength,

No matter what, I’m gonna love You, no matter what I’m gonna need You,
I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not, I’ll trust you,
no matter what, no matter what.

Anything I don’t have You can give it to me, but it’s OK if You don’t,
I’m not here for those things, the touch of Your love is enough on its own,
no matter what I still love You and I’m gonna need You

No matter what I’m gonna love you, no matter what I’m gonna need you,
I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain but if not , I’ll trust You,
no matter what, no matter what.
I know You can find a way to keep me from the pain, but if not, I’ll trust you,
no matter what no matter what no matter no matter what

My newest challenge

I have an interesting habit of setting odd, spur of the moment goals for myself.

Running every day for a month (which turned into a marathon-running addiction), reading a certain number of books in a week, and then there was the summer that I decided to just randomly go vegetarian.

I see, hear, or read something interesting and all of a sudden it's like I'm daring myself to do it.  Motivation has never been hard to come by for myself.  I was the student in college who had the term paper done with three weeks to spare.  Of course that doesn't mean that the challenge isn't "challenging" for me.

A little over two weeks ago I embarked on yet another "challenge".  Turning off my car radio for a month.  Using the time in my car a little more intentionally and allowing more "quiet" time for God to speak to me.  I love the radio.  And I love to blare the radio and zone out mentally when I drive.  Definitely wasn't going to be easy.

Honestly, the first four days were brutal.  I now understand the phrase "silence is deafening" a little better.  It had me crawling out of my skin; I truly felt uncomfortable.  For whatever reason the absence of music forces my mind to stay aware--no zoning out, no momentary escapes from reality.  Now 18 days into my car radio fast it's slowly becoming more normal and not quite as jarring.  And it definitely allows time for intentional conversations with God that would be missed otherwise.

I'm not entirely sure what prompted me to challenge myself this month, but I'm glad I did.  18 down, 13 to go.

What are your personal challenges?

Ready

My mind is a swirling mess of random to-do lists.  People to contact for address changes, things that need to be purchased right away, boxes I need to pack (and move), and rooms that need to be cleaned before the true unpacking can start.  Then I get to unpack and move in an entire home.  On the same weekend as kick-off for church and my 20 mile run.  Joy.

I’m overwhelmed and beyond excited.  New house, new furniture, new chapter.  Although my attention span is probably half of what it used to be because I can’t seem to concentrate on anything for too long before I start seeing lists and IKEA furniture in my mind.  I’m hopeless.

I’m literally days away from holding the house keys in my hot little hands.  I’ve already started packing boxes.  Who knew I had squirreled away so many things in that tiny space?! (this is just half of it)  The reality has set in, but in a great way.  I’m leaving something and I’m starting something new.  I don’t know what the future holds, but I’m ready to get this show on the road.

I tend to be a really patient person, but I'm starting to lose it.  My hopes go up with good news only to be dashed by no-news or extended expectations on the paperwork.  I'm anxious to move forward, sign the papers, and finally get my keys, but I'm at the mercy of the lender and their paperwork process.  I literally can do nothing.  Can't start my utility calls, can't inform insurance, can't buy appliances or furniture. I just have to sit here and continue waiting.

It all sounds so trivial in the grand scheme of things, but regardless, that's where I'm at right now.  Trying to focus on anything else during the wait and failing miserably.

A good friend

A year and a half ago I lost faith in friendships.  I was hurt in such a deep and profound way that I wondered if I would recover again.  I shut down for a while, and then I whirred back to life in almost an out-of-control fashion.  I was determined to fill my life with all kinds of friendships--solid friendships with people who genuinely wanted to be around me as much as I them.  But the goal was less on quality and more on quantity.  I would not let the past repeat itself.  Like the last little bit of jelly in the jar I spread myself thin.  At some point I sat down, exhausted with all the running around and wondered how my current situation solved the initial problem.  There was still the remnant of pain, just overshadowed by all-consuming busyness.

I did a little analyzing, sorting through, and figuring out who actually was on my "home team" and I made a wonderful discovery.  Underneath the madness and chaos of my "as many friends as possible" game plan, I realized a beautiful friendship developed.  I didn't appreciate it for what it was until I took the time to slow down and let it reveal itself to me.  The constant busyness (that I still struggle with) clouded the glass.

I heard God say that it's time to journey into the next chapter.  Thankfully I have a good friend to journey with.  The pain of loss never really goes away, sort of like a dull ache, but the beauty of rebirth and revelation at what's right in front of your face is breathtaking.

Today I am thankful for friends.  Not just the commonplace acquaintances who ask how you are but don't really care, but the life-changing, "I'm always here, even in the middle of the night" friendships.  The people who make life brighter by just being around.  Thanks Megan :)

From the overflow.

From the overflow I find myself.

An overwhelming sense of community surrounds me.

I'm home.

I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

And tonight I'm reveling in that fact.

I've been journeying through the dessert lately, learning some important lessons.  But I'm starting a new chapter now; I felt God saying that it's time to move forward.  I'm ready now and I'm excited for what I can see coming up in the near future.  Some new challenges for sure, but blessings as well.

I love this chorus.  It perfectly expresses how I feel right now. (Here in Your Presence)

"Here in Your presence, we are undone
Here in Your presence, Heaven and Earth become one
Here in Your presence, all things are new
Here in Your presence, everything bows before You."

I'll openly admit that I'm profoundly attached to Salem Alliance.  All I have to do is walk in the doors and I start to feel alive and growing.  I love the staff, the people, the culture, and the community.  I could literally hang out there forever, it's like I'm drawn there.  I'm immensely proud to call Salem Alliance my church home.  We've got "it" for sure.

God is doing some great work in Salem-Keizer, and to be able to see His handiwork and the results of His people serving those around them is truly amazing.  Despite staying up all night, working in the morning, packing in the afternoon, and some incredibly short cat naps in between, I was able to spend the evening at the Broadway Commons Grand Opening.  A celebration and building that I have been waiting for for a long time.  A co-mingling of church, commerce, and community.  A bridge to the neighborhood and a light for the lost and lonely.  A place to belong.  Broadway Commons is a beautiful extension of the Salem Alliance vision, and a new way to "show" faith.  I love it.  Plus, there are enough couches and seating areas for everyone.  I plan to test them all out soon with meaningful conversations.  

That building will be used and loved.  A welcome place for the weary and the wary.  A place I plan to visit often.  I seriously cannot wait.

Idols on the shelf

My mom had a knack for choosing interesting punishments during my childhood.  In fact, I should probably attribute my Latin Honors in college and my organizational genius to the fact that all throughout my childhood, punishments always included a book report and a cleaning project.  My mom was a kindergarten teacher for years and therefore had access to an entire library full of books titled after fruits of the spirit or other character-building themes.  There was also a special book called "getting along with your sibling" that I probably wore out the binding to along the way...

When I was three years old, I refused to clean up my room.  I'm sure I was somewhat of a tiny terror, but stubbornness runs deep.  At this point in my childhood though, book reports weren't quite possible.  So what do you do with an unruly three year old who refuses to clean up her toys?  Well, take them all away and put them on the shelf in the closet, out of reach.  I remember sitting at the door of the closet crying my eyes out.  I earned each toy back by learning to keep it in its proper place in my room.  One toy each day until I had them all back.  A punishment that will always stay with me.

A friend lent me a book on Sunday Walking with God by John Eldredge.  It was exactly what I needed to read at the exact right time.  Here are some excerpts I was struck with last night while reading.

"We give our hearts over to so many things other than God.  We look to so many other things for life.  I know I do.  Especially the very gifts that he himself gives to us--they become more important to us than he is.  That's not the way it's supposed to be.  As long as our happiness is tied to the things we can lose, we are vulnerable.

And so God must, from time to time, and sometimes very insistently, disrupt our lives so that we release our grasping of life here and now.  Usually through pain.  God is asking us to let go of the things we love and have given our hearts to, so that we can give our hearts even more fully to him.  He thwarts us in our attempts to make life work so that our efforts fail, and we must face the fact that we don't really look to God for life.

Until God has become our all, and we are fully his, we will continue to make idols of the good things he gives us."

We fear vulnerability, yet our actions incite vulnerable and potentially painful situations from the get-go.  We don't want to be hurt or go through pain, but we've set ourselves up for it.

I've had many things taken away over the years, some more painful than others, but none of them easy.  I, like a little child, tend to grip certain areas of my life a little too tightly.  I let things, or relationships, or expectations become idols in my life and I refuse to loosen my grip on them.  So periodically, God has to step in and take it all away from me.  Pry it out of my fingers and put it out of reach, but not out of sight.  Never a fun lesson, but something I must learn from anyway.

And sometimes I think I just need those closet-door-crying incidents to shake me up a bit and make me realize that when God takes things away it's only because He knows what's best for me.  Albeit painful at the time, growth follows the pruning.

Bradley Alan's Wedding

Two days, copious amounts of food, countless glasses of wine, a Catholic ceremony, an ocean of tears, an amazing amount of laughter, and an army of guests pretty much sums it up.

Today I celebrated my brother's wedding day.  It's pretty hard to believe that my little brother is actually married.  Seems like just yesterday we were playing Donkey Kong out in the back yard with the neighbors or having late-night study sessions in high school.  Somewhere along the line he grew up.  We grew up.  He met an absolutely fantastic woman, graduated college, and got married.  I couldn't be happier for him.  Truly, I couldn't.  It's still just a little bittersweet.

Instead of a passé unity candles or sand, they tapped into their truly geeky engineering cores (He's a chemical engineer and she's an environmental engineer) and created a unity ceremony that really embodies "them".  They poured chemicals into a vase, and they both playacted as they did it.  Safety goggles and all.  Quite comical.

I had hours and hours to sit around, visit with people, take pictures, and generally just let my mind wander.  Of course I came up with several thoughts, some of which I'll share.

*I'm destined to cry through every wedding that I attend (as long as I know the couple).  That's just a fact.  Apparently even Brad's groomsmen could see the waterworks. **sigh**  What's even more interesting than the actual tears is the emotion behind the tears.  What is it that brings us to tears when we're so happy?  What are we actually crying about?

*There are always wedding mishaps.  People missing at just the wrong time, frosting that melted right off the cupcakes onto the tablecloth, and the groom and his groomsmen spending the night before the wedding sleeping in a Christmas tree farm.  It is these moments that will remain memorable.  These moments are what bring character to a wedding. You'll always remember the quirky moments.  Love them for what they are.

*Weddings have a tendency of bringing people back together.  Uniting families and friends after long or short periods of separation.  Or just bringing two new families together in a strange, but beautiful new patchwork.  Something about all the love at a wedding makes you appreciate what you have and miss what you don't.  I got to see extended family from both sides of my family today AND I gained a new family (plus an awesome new sister!).  I think I came out ahead today.

*Emotional events can make you want to do two things.  Rush on ahead or slow down and savor.  I hate to admit that I tend to to the former.  Beautiful moments are sometimes only possible when you slow down enough to realize they're right in front of your face.

 

*Hugs and "Congratulations!" are acceptable ALL day long.  Everyone is feeling a little giddy and nostalgic, so just embrace it--literally. 

*And finally, love is worth waiting for.  Sure sure, I knew this already.  But someday, some guy is going to look at me like my brother looked at Katie, and it'll all be worth it.  Every last minute of waiting.