Hope, Peace, and Love

Where hope settles in the cracks.
And peace pervades the darkness.
Love overshadows all.

May your roots grow deep.  Deep and solid.  So that at the proper time your limbs have the base to expand their reach outward.  Continually growing down and out with time.  Stronger and wiser.  May the fruit that you drop from your limbs be sweet.  Sweet with experience, spiritual insight, grace, and love.  May you feed the starving generations and shelter the weak and downtrodden under your branches.  May you find rest in the solitary and strength in the Son.

You're here for a reason.  You have been chosen for such a time as this.  Are you living it?

From the overflow.  Love overwhelms.

Closet organization project

As a homeowner, I'm continually getting ideas for how to customize and optimize the spaces in my house.  There is a square "closet" in my bedroom, that is about 3'x3'.  Since I don't use that closet to store clothes (I have a whole other room for that!), it is more of a storage closet for files and other miscellaneous things.  Regardless, with the odd shape, it was starting to look more like a dumping ground for clutter, so I decided to be handy and build some shelves (Friday night).

The closet really wasn't usable as it was.  Especially since I wasn't hanging clothes in it.

I wanted the shelves to form an "L" across the back and right side (You can't see it, but there is a 12" space between the door opening and the wall), so I would need to customize them myself.

So I took a trip to Lowes, bought the wood and had them cut it. Lesson learned: don't stand directly in the line of the big saw, because if the blade is turned the wrong way, the board WILL fly across the isle.  No one was injured, but it was quite comical and the poor guy who was cutting the wood was pretty new and obviously embarrassed.

After the wood was cut I went home and set it all up in my garage/glorified shed (Finally a use for that space!), and painted the boards black.  Several hours and several coats later, I finished.  I let them dry overnight and brought them inside the next day.

Unable to find the power drill at my parents house, I was resigned to just screw the brackets in with a screwdriver.  Not terrible, but I will admit that my thumb throbbed for a couple of days after.  And, because I was determined to finish this project myself, I probably looked really funny in the small square closet trying to hold up the board, hold the bracket, and check the level all at the same time, but I completed the project.  Hooray!

And after a quick trip to IKEA, to get some baskets to make the clutter even less visible, it is finally done. 

I have a strong tendency to decide I'm going to tackle a project, assume it will be really easy and quick, and then realize part way through that the project is actually going to take me several days/an entire weekend.  I should probably stop doing that, but I can't seem to help myself.

Regardless, yay for clean and organized closets!  I wonder what project will be next...

tears

I'm not afraid of crying.  In fact, a good sappy commercial can actually turn the waterworks on.  But in the midst of telling a story the other night, a story I've told numerous times without feeling anything, I was assaulted with tears.  The experience was bizarre, not because tears weren't appropriate, but because I couldn't tap into where they were coming from.  I don't just cry without reason.  They were foreign, and sudden, and seemingly out of context.  But they spoke to a deeper issue that I didn't realize was there, and still can't identify.  But I must identify.

There is always more work to be done, but the end to this might just be in sight.  Finally.

Has anyone else had a similar experience with sudden emotion that made no sense?

Pumpkin carving

I'm not a huge pumpkin carver.  Or a celebrator of anything Halloween related, really.  This holiday honestly creeps me out.  Coffins, spiders, witches, and other equally gross things adorn peoples houses for an entire month.  Yuck.  No thank you.  Not at my house.  It just makes no sense to me.

I grew up in a home that didn't believe in trick or treating.  I've never been (and I don't feel like I missed out on anything either).  We celebrated non-scary costumes at a church harvest party instead.  And we didn't hand out candy to trick-or-treaters either.

Perhaps this is why this holiday is such a non-event in my mind.   What is there to really celebrate?  Demons, witches, and scaring little children?  Sounds incredibly uplifting...

Regardless, autumn brings with it some pretty cool looking things.  Pumpkins, gourdes, Indian corn, etc...  And I found a recipe for pumpkin seeds that I was just itching to try.  So I bought a pumpkin, which is totally unlike me.  And then I figured if I had the pumpkin and was scooping out the innards for the seeds, I might as well carve something on the front.  So Megan and I had a pumpkin carving party.  I chose the letter "m" for mine.  I of course realized after we lit the pumpkins that mine actually looks like an m&m.  Guess I've got sugar on my brain... 

Despite the disgusting factor of pumpkin guts all over my hands, it was actually sort of fun. 

Look at me being all autumn festive-y.

Toasted Pumpkin Seeds with Sugar and Spice

Thanks to my friend Heather (and allrecipies.com) for this fantastic pumpkin seed recipe idea.  The idea of pumpkin seeds with sugar on them was just too much for me.  I decided I had to make these.


The only logical way to get pumpkin seeds (in my head), was to buy a pumpkin.  And it seemed silly to buy a pumpkin, carve out the innards and then just leave it.  So I guess I will actually be carving a pumpkin this year as well.  Sort of like killing two birds with one stone, I guess.  I just need to remember to toss the thing out before it's a pile of mush on my porch.


Toasted Pumpkin Seeds with Sugar and Spice

Ingredients (serves 4)

• 1 cup raw pumpkin seeds, rinsed and dried
• 6 tablespoons white sugar, divided
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 1/2 teaspoon pumpkin pie spice
• 1 tablespoon vegetable oil

Directions

1. Preheat the oven to 250 degrees F (120 degrees C). Spread pumpkin seeds in a single layer on a baking sheet. Toast for 45 minutes, stirring occasionally, until dry and toasted. Larger seeds may take longer. (Heather's note: let the seeds dry overnight if you are removing them right away from the pumpkins, or do whatever you can so that they are as dry as possible. I didn't do this last time and they took about an hour and 15 minutes to fully toast.)
2. In a large bowl, stir together 2 tablespoons of white sugar, salt, and pumpkin pie spice. Set aside. Heat the oil in a large skillet over medium-high heat. Add the pumpkin seeds and sprinkle the remaining sugar over them. Stir with a wooden spoon until the sugar melts, about 45 seconds. Pour seeds into the bowl with the spiced sugar and stir until coated. Allow to cool before serving. Store in an airtight container at room temperature.

Certainty

I'm a firm believe in the idea that 'all things happen for a reason' and that there are lessons to learn from every experience.

Lately, my life seems to be characterized by experiences and situations that, given the chance, I would not naturally pick for myself.  Buying a house alone, running a marathon, working with high school students...

Yet, as I allow God to shape me into the person that only He can see, He continually brings life experiences that initially leave me apprehensive and curious.  Situations and experiences that, once I dive in, bring a strong sense of inspiration and peace.  A curious peace that settles around my tightened grip on life as I see it, and eventually loosens that grip, finger by finger, until I open my eyes and wonder exactly how I got to this place of certainty in an experience that terrifies me.

My newest "challenge" is high school students.  Amidst a very-early morning run while training for my marathon, an epiphany of sorts struck me.  The incredibly clear call I'd heard months prior, to mentor (and to be mentored), needed action.  And that action was delving into the youth group at church.  Not a delusion, despite the fact that I was at mile 12, but a clear call to step out of my comfort zone yet again.  I know these calls by the vibrant inspiration that accompanies them--they are scary and unique and mind-altering, but they always come with a sense of certainty.  So I took a deep breath, let the inspiration wash over me, and opened my mind to the possibilities.

I'm several weeks into this journey already, and it's a challenge.  It stretches me in ways I'd rather not be stretched, and asks me to grow in areas I've known needed help, but didn't feel like putting the effort into.  It's not what I would have chosen.  This age group terrifies me sometimes.  But I know, without a doubt, that I am exactly where I should be right now.  Doing exactly what God has called me to do.  And the growing and stretching are all part of the process-- fun or not.  God knew I had it in me; sometimes it just takes a while for me to believe likewise.

As I meet and interact with more students, I become more comfortable.  I also become more aware.  Of my actions, my words, my relationship with God.  New truths are becoming evident, and for the first time (that I've been consciously aware of) I have a concrete avenue to influence others.  The reality is a little heady.  Staying stagnant does a disservice to more than just me now.  It's definitely a lot to think about...

Leadership is one of my most underused gifts.  I've become complacent letting others lead.  Following is a whole lot easier than leading, for sure.  There are a lot fewer chances to fail too.  But, I asked God last year to provide opportunities for me to grow in this area, and this is Him following through.  It's time to step up to the challenge before me and use the gifts I have been given to glorify God.  That's really what this life is all about, right?

So tired

I'm tired.

And not just in the physical sense.  I'm emotionally, mentally, and spiritually drained as well.  I haven't quite figured out the "re-fill" process, and consequently I seem to move through life in somewhat of a fog.  Fingers gripping the edge so tightly that they're turning white, but still slipping off regardless.  And I'm incredibly afraid of falling.  Failing.  Forgetting.

So I schedule some more.  My world is nothing without an electronic account of all that I do throughout the days.  I would quite literally be lost without my day planner.  I can't remember things on my own.  I don't trust myself to anymore.

I wonder when I'll feel like I'm actually standing steady.  Not clinging to whatever I can find, lest I topple over. 

And then I go out looking to prove my worst assumption.  And when I find it, disappointment and sadness cloud everything.  Raw tears run down my face.  I just can't read any more depressing news.  I don't have the strength right now.  My life already seems to be tilted at a precarious angle; one more thing might just tip me over.

I need rest.  Relief.  Restoration.

My message from God yesterday morning was patience and joy through hardships.  And while it instilled some hope into a morning when I felt like I had completely failed, it's hard to grasp onto.  I just feel so tired.  Too tired almost to be able to figure out how to find that joy.  And too clouded to actually see it.

But somehow I must find it.  Time to make Sabbath a bigger priority.

Snapshots from my marathon.

It's weird to think that my marathon is behind me.  I spent an entire year planning, preparing, and training for it, and now it's over.  I wondered if it would feel like Christmas afternoon does to little kids--somewhat of a let down--but it doesn't.  Regardless, running and I are not parting ways, but long-distance running and I are definitely on a hiatus for the present.

Here are some snapshots from my marathon:

-It poured down rain from before 7am until I hit about mile 18.  I attempted the whole "trash bag" make-shift coat, but that came off around mile 3 and I just ran the rest of the marathon soaking wet.  P.S. Soaking wet shoes and water squishing between my toes (in my shoes) are two of my least favorite things...

-I hit my wall at mile 14.  Much earlier than I anticipated.  And for much longer too--I didn't get another jump start of motivation until near mile 20.  Of course it was right before my left knee started hurting.

-At mile 19.5 my left knee started hurting.  Not the dull pain that you can run through--I'd already been dealing with screaming muscles most of the way--but the pain that comes from muscle imbalances and knee caps rubbing there they shouldn't be.  Ouch.  I don't know why it's embarrassing to admit, but I had to walk the last 6 miles of the race.  Running was literally too painful to bear.  Walking was painful too, but the lesser of the two.  I did however run the last .2 miles to the finish, my left knee clicking as I crossed the finish.

-My time was 6:03:04.  And despite my repeated answer of "I don't have a goal, I just want to finish", I was disappointed with my time.  My knee injury and the forced walking lost me a lot of time.  I'm glad I didn't set any specific time goals for myself, but needing 6 hours to finish did bruise my ego a little bit.

-At several points in the race all I wanted was to see my family on the sidelines.  They did meet up with me around mile 21, and seeing them was an overwhelming encouragement.  Brad, who had been supporting Bob (his wife's dad who was also running) for the first part, biked and met me every mile from 21 to the finish.  The level of encouragement I got from my family was/is more than I can express in words.  Let's just say that there were numerous tears shed on that course.

I learned a lot of things during my training and during the race itself.  One of the most notable is if you want a mental, emotional, and physical challenge, train for and run a marathon.  It will kick your butt.  Guaranteed.  That and the time commitment for a marathon is huge, and not really something you realize when you start your training.

When people talk to me about the marathon they always seem to phrase it in a way that suggests future marathons I will run.  This fact has not yet been decided.  Although I imagine it wouldn't be difficult to beat my current time...  All I know is that for right now I'm done training for long-distances.  I might just be more of a "half-marathon or less" kind of runner, but I'm not ruling out the possibility of a repeat of my marathon, just being a realist.  I'm determined to get back to the place where I enjoy running and choose to run.  Not the "I have to run ___ miles today or I throw my training off schedule" mindset.

For now I'm going to revel in the fact that I've actually completed a marathon.  It's an impressive feat.  I'm definitely proud of myself for that.

Running and my immune system

I've developed a cold.

Frustrating, mostly because the marathon that I have been training for all year is this Sunday.  Of course it had to happen that way, that's really just my luck.  I'm not a germ-a-phobe, in fact I'm generally the opposite, and I'm convinced that for that reason (and probably others), I don't get sick very often.  Which is probably why this inconvenient illness is so irritating.

So I do what I always do when I start to wonder about something.  I google search it.  And what do you know.  Perhaps this cold thing really isn't my fault after all.

Per the blog:  Sir Jog A Lot (and don't think that I didn't continue searching on this topic to authenticate his claims)

"Apparently, the volume of runners that pull out of the marathon due to illness is quite high. Here’s a fact that’ll put a smile on couch potatoes across the land. Endurance training causes a rise in the hormone cortisol which causes stress. This stress can affect the immune system, which can make you more susceptible to infection!  The key difference is the volume of exercise. Running for anything longer than 90 minutes causes blood sugar levels to drop to a level where this hormone is more prevalent. Marathon runners exceed this regularly in training and as a result, towards the end of their training, many marathoners pick up a cold."

Totally justified.  Still sick, but feeling better about it.

Not encouraged about post-race illness susceptibility, but if I'm already sick than how bad can it be?

Confused desire

An interesting thought from Walking With God by John Eldredge that I read today.  It made me wonder...

"Something I read years ago by C.S. Lewis in The Weight of Glory has proven helpful to me time and time again, and may rescue us in the very moment of awakened desire I am describing.  Lewis is trying to show us that what God uses to awaken desire is not necessarily what we long for.  The things 'in which we thought the beauty was located will betray us if we trust to them; it was not in them, it only came through them, and what came through them was longing.  These things... are good images of what we desire; but if they are mistaken for the thing itself, they turn into dumb idols, breaking the hearts of their worshipers.  For they are not the thing itself.'  They are not what we are longing for.  It is not that specific man or woman we desire, but what they point to, what is coming through them.  They are a picture of what we long for."